


Prayer to an Angel

by Kiko_Butt



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, BAMF Alec Lightwood, BAMF Magnus Bane, Depression, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Pre-Canon, Sibling Bonding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:40:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 37,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27342898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kiko_Butt/pseuds/Kiko_Butt
Summary: He’s doing a lot of praying.  His lips twitch upwards in the only show of humor he can manage during his final moments.  He doesn’t remember the last time he truly prayed for anything.Wanted for something, sure.  Wished things were different, all the time.  Praying?  It’s been a while.His thoughts are sluggish now.  His eyes are closing.  His breaths are weak and rattling.Take care of them, please.It’s the last thought Alec puts out to the Universe.  His last prayer.It is heard.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 91
Kudos: 260





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I’m old and out of practice. Do we do disclaimers anymore? I don’t own anything. I don’t make any money doing this. If someone wants to take one of my ideas go for it, just do it better than I did. First time posting on this site. If you dig it, let me know, if you don’t dig it, let me know. If you have thoughts or feelings and feel like sharing I’m likely to respond. Pretty sure my roommate is tired of speaking in hypotheticals about this show with me. No I haven’t read the books. No I probably won’t read the books. Enjoy!

Alec is 23 years old. He doesn’t feel it. He feels much older. Something like 49. Yeah… 49 sounds about right. 49 is ancient to a young shadowhunter who has barely breached two decades of life. Ancient is what Alec feels. Ancient and exhausted and ready for everything to just end. 

He is exhausted. He has been exhausted for as long as he can remember and if he lives to see tomorrow, will most likely continue to be exhausted. Living till tomorrow, however does not currently seem likely. Alec’s ripped open from sternum to navel. Blood and other things pour from him with every feeble pump of his heart.   


His mind is somehow not on his fast approaching death. It is on how exhausted he is. 

He’s exhausted while he watches the bright and beautiful Isabelle cover her insecurities and doubts behind a painted mouth and a devil may care attitude. 

He’s exhausted while he chases after Jace, Spartacus reborn, who fights demons to bury the boy who wants love, to be loved and to give love more desperately than air. 

He’s exhausted while he listens to his baby brother Max whine about not being allowed to fight now, get runes now, bleed for the Clave now, put himself in the path of claws and teeth now.

He’s exhausted while he waits to be acknowledged by his mother for the soldier, leader, warrior, parent, son she has demanded that he become. 

He’s exhausted while he reads another fire message from his father explaining why he is absent from celebrations, from dinners, from bedsides, from his children’s lives. 

He’s exhausted while ignoring the looks and the whispers of the other shadowhunters of the New York Institute that say he is undeserving, too young, too green, too privileged, too weak.

Alec is 23 years old. He is exhausted. He is dying. 

His clothes, black for hunting are now wet, drenched with blood and no doubt shine under the safety lights of the warehouse he somehow managed to stumble out of. It’s been slow going. Even death is exhausting. 

He has oddly had plenty of time to think. Plenty of time to feel Jace’s panic through the bond they share. Plenty of time to wish for it to just be over. Maybe when it is he can finally rest. 

Dying isn’t what he expected it to be. He thought there would be fear. He thought there would be panic, or some survival instinct that would drive him to get up, to call for help, to draw iratzes, to do something that would keep him living.

Maybe he is too exhausted. He would laugh, but his diaphragm isn’t working properly and every breath is taking more and more of him.

Alec knows the end is soon. He feels a vague sense of fear, but it isn’t bright enough or sharp enough to inspire action. 

He doesn’t know what will come next. Heaven. Hell. Oblivion. He prays for oblivion.

Guilt. Even while he is dying he manages the feeling. Guilt that he is leaving others behind.

He prays Isabelle grows to be the person she has always dreamed of being, who knows herself, loves herself enough that the voices in her head, the ones that sound like their mother are silenced. He realizes he and Isabelle have a lot more in common than he ever allowed himself to see. 

He prays that Jace realizes he is loved, not for being a warrior, because that is not all Jace is, and he is capable, and has always been capable of giving love, despite the upbringing his father gave him.

He prays Max’s curiosity of the world, his wonder for magic never dies and that he chooses a path in which he never becomes so used to the smell of blood and ichor under his nails that he doesn’t feel right without it.

He prays his mother doesn’t spend the rest of her life trying to hammer his younger siblings into the shape and form she has been beating him into since he was old enough to hold up a sword.

He prays his father finds whatever it is he’s out there looking for before he breaks their family any more than it already is.

His heartbeat is slow, too slow.

Jace is getting closer, but Alec knows he’s not close enough. Jace won’t make it in time.

Alec prays Jace will someday forgive himself for not making it in time.

He’s doing a lot of praying. His lips twitch upwards in the only show of humor he can manage during his final moments. He doesn’t remember the last time he truly prayed for anything.

Wanted for something, sure. Wished things were different, all the time. Praying? It’s been a while.

His thoughts are sluggish now. His eyes are closing. His breaths are weak and rattling.  _ Take care of them, please. _ It’s the last thought Alec puts out to the Universe. 

His last prayer. 

It is heard.

* * *

Selaphiel is falling. Selaphiel has been falling for centuries, it no longer bothers the angel of prayer. None of the others comment on it. It is not spoken of. Selaphiel doesn’t understand why, but that has always been one of Selaphiel’s faults. 

Another fault is Selphiel’s thoughts on the Great Fall. The angel of prayer feels differently about the Great Fall than other angels. Or that is what Selaphiel believes to be true. It is not spoken of.

Selaphiel hears Samael before the fall. Samael prays to the creator, trying to understand. Perhaps Selaphiel shares that fault with Samael.

Samael doesn’t pray anymore. Or perhaps Selaphiel no longer hears Samael. It is not something Selaphiel speaks of.

Selaphiel is falling. Another thing the angel of prayer shares with Samael, but Selaphiel’s descent is different. Selaphiel is not choosing to fall, not in the same way Samael did. Selaphiel is not rejecting the duty that was given by the creator. 

The angel of prayer is instead taking the duty bestowed too far. For a millennia Selaphiel has been a conduit. A passage of communication between other agnels and the creator, then humans and the creator. Selaphiel heard every wish, every dream, every cry, every plea directed to the creator. They are all received.

But never has Selaphiel truly understood. 

And that is why Selaphiel is falling. 

Selaphiel wants to understand. Selaphiel wants to burn with the emotions that echo through the prayers instead of experiencing the muted versions that pass through and fade into nothing.

Selaphiel understands loss, but not grief. When Samael falls, when Belial, Asmodeus, Leviathan and Lillith follow, the loss is devastating. Angels are individuals, with their own duties and powers gifted by the creator, but they are also part of the heavenly realm and their very existence sustains it. It is not a loss felt with emotion when an angel falls, whether it be to death or to Hell but a physical loss. A piece of the very essence of the heavenly realm of every angel is lost and the collective is left weaker for it.

Selaphiel remembers the prayers of the others that day. Most pray for strength, for Heaven to be made whole again, for their creator to know they will not waiver in their duty, they will not fall. He hears some however, pray for their creator to take away the pain that their siblings’ fall causes. Selphiel identifies grief in their prayers. 

The angel of prayer does not understand. How can angels feel grief? How can other angels know grief? Should not the angel of prayer feel it, know it, understand it? 

Selphiel’s fall begins. 

Selphiel feels fear, understands, finally the settling, sharp cold of what fear is. But the knowledge only makes Selaphiel wish to understand greater. As time passes, Selaphiel’s dissatisfaction with this lack of feeling, of understanding outgrows the fear of falling.

Raguel is the first to notice Selaphiel’s plight. The only other angel to speak of it. 

Selaphiel’s interactions with Raguel have always been different than those with the other siblings. There is no hierarchy in how Selaphiel treats the others, however the angel of prayer will always answer Raguel’s call over those of any others. 

As the angel of justice Raguel is tempered in a way the others are not. When other angels only see one possible path, Raguel sees a hundred. 

When the fear is new and fresh, Selaphiel goes to Raguel for help.

Raguel illuminates an avenue Selphiel has not considered. It is unlikely that Selaphiel’s fall will cause the angel of prayer to transform into a demon. Selaphiel agrees that upong falling the angel will most likely be reborn as a human, live and die a mortal life. Heaven will lose another piece of itself and its angel of prayer. 

It is unacceptable. Raguel’s idea however, gives Selaphiel another first feeling. Hope. Hope to change the fate Selaphiel sees as inevitable.

But to follow the path that Raguel inspires requires an opportunity that has not yet come to pass. 

Until Selphiel hears the prayer of a dying nephilim. 

Death does not wait, not even for an angel. Neither does Selaphiel. There is no time to explain, to say goodbye. It is for the best. What Selaphiel is about to do, it is not spoken of.

The angel of prayer crosses over to the earthly realm. The angelic body of light and sound changes into an earthly visage. Selaphiel’s grace becomes wings. Bare feet, virgin skin touches down on the pavement sticky with cooling blood. 

The nephilim, Alexander Gideon Lightwood does not have much time left. Another, nephilim tries to stem the flow of blood, tries to heal Alexander with the runes Raziel gifted their kind, tries to call for help. 

Perhaps help would have come in time. Perhaps it would have been too late. Selaphiel, who goes unseen and unheard does not wait to find out. Alexander Gideon Lightwood is the opportunity the angel of prayer has been waiting for, praying for. All there is now, is for Alexander to say yes. 

Selaphiel reaches out through the dying nephilim’s chest, touches his soul and speaks.

* * *

Alec is dimly aware of Jace’s frantic pleas. But he is no longer bleeding out on cold concrete. The sun shines down on his upturned face. 

He recognizes the hillside he is on. It is a park in Idris. One that he barely remembers the details of, but the feeling is still with him. One of the few moments of childish joy of his life, running through the corpse of trees and rolling down this very hill with Izzy, the scent of grass and dirt clinging to his clothes. Alec smiles at the memory. 

“We don’t have much time.” The voice is bell-like in its clarity, jarring, too bright in his mind. Alec turns. There is a woman standing there on the uneven ground. She is naked. But this fact does not occupy him. What occupies him are the wings. They are the color of rich earth veined with coppery fire, shimmering under the late afternoon sun. 

The sight fills Alec with awe and fear. Suddenly his death, it is too soon, too final and the regret he carries with him chokes the words building in his throat. 

“You are not dead yet. You have a choice to make.”

Although the angel’s words are placid, Alec feels the urgency that hangs like humid summer heat, so thick he can taste it. 

The angel looks away from him, her left wing rises and shifts and her left wing rises and shifts, drawing Alec’s hazel eyes to patches he didn’t notice before. There are bald patches in her wings and Alec knows what they must mean. “I am falling,” the angel confirms. There is resignation there that halts the rising revulsion in Alec. 

It is not a choice, not something this angel… Selaphiel, he knows her name but he doesn’t know how he knows. Her falling is not a choice she is making, but something that is happening to her. Again the knowledge comes to him. 

“I wish to know, to feel, to understand.” Her words are not an explanation to any question Alec has voiced but they somehow are the answer he is looking for. “In exchange you will live.”

Alec’s mind shudders. An angel making a deal as if she were a demon.   


It is blasphemy. Goes against everything he was taught by the Clave.

Alec knows that if he refuses what this angel is asking for, refuses bearing himself, allowing the angel to feel what he feels, know what he thinks, experience a life on earth through him that the angel will allow him to die. The angel will not take action unless he pays a price. 

“Is that so different from your kind?” Alec blinks. It is on the tip of his tongue to refute the angel’s words. Shadowhunting is a duty, a calling, a service rendered that there is no payment for. “But you do not hunt because it is your duty.” Again Alec wants to deny, but the angel is not wrong. He doesn’t hunt because of the so-called “sacred” duty that Raziel charged Johnathan Shadowhunter with, that the first Shadowhunter asked for. 

He hunts because it is expected, it is what the Lightwood’s do, for status, for reputation, for honor, for respect, for power. 

But that is not all he hunts for. He hunts because those he cares about, those he must protect also hunt. Izzy, Jace. Alec frowns, it’s suddenly hard to recall the sound of Izzy’s laugh, or the exact shade of Jace’s mismatched eyes. 

“You must choose soon.”

Alec feels the piece of Jace that completes his soul cry out, hears his parabatai’s voice shudder through him.  _ ‘Come on Alec, just a little bit longer, hang on just a bit longer, they’re coming.’ _

Alec speaks to the angel for the first time, “You will know me, all of me, feel what I feel. Nothing will be private, nothing will be hidden,” Alec states, because it is not a question. He knows and it terrifies him. He wants to say no. He does not want to be stripped bare by this divine being.

He wants to rest.

_ ‘Don’t Alec, please, parabatai, don’t go where I cannot follow.’  _

“When I understand, I will leave you.” Selaphiel doesn’t say what will happen after. Alec knows. He will die.

Alec breathes through the burn behind his eyes.

_ ‘Stay with me Alec, stay with me.’ _

There never was a choice.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t own anything or make any money from this. Thanks to everyone who is giving this story a chance. Thanks to those kind enough to leave a comment. Comments are always appreciated. Kudos are sweet too. Also I am posting with my phone as I don’t own a personal computer at the moment so I apologize for any formatting mistakes. I decided to change up the style as the present tense thing I was doing just wasn’t sustainable for me. Stay safe and healthy!

Alec swallowed, or tried to swallow. Alarms rang in his ears as he feebly grasped at the plastic tube coming from his mouth. His chest stretched, the skin pulled, burned and Alec choked on the agony that pervaded his body. If his mind could process language at the moment every curse in every tongue he knew would have tumbled from his lips.

There were others in the room, fluttering around him, speaking in jargon that he would have asked Izzy to translate. His mind focused, brain finally working to control the muscles in his hand and he grasped the plastic and pulled. 

“Alec no!” Alec locked onto his sister’s voice as he futilely tried to suppress the coughs that made it feel like the demon’s claws were ripping open his stomach again. “Of course you would extubate yourself.” The words were scolding but the tone was fond and finally Alec’s watering eyes cleared enough to see her.

Izzy was pale, with bare lips and her red rimmed eyes bright with relief and joy. “Welcome back, hermano,” was whispered into his hairline and Alec wanted to weep at the feel of her skin against his forehead. The smile he managed was pained. Izzy’s hand pushed the hair from his forehead in a familiar gesture that made him ache with something other than pain.

“His heart rate is dropping to normal limits. Let’s get a nasal cannula placed and keep his oxygen up.” Alec recognized the accented and authoritative voice of Petra Foerstner, the Institutes head physician. Her flaming red hair and stern blue eyes came into view. “Mr. Lightwood when I recommended you come in for an annual this is not what I had in mind.” 

Alec tried to respond but all that came out was a wheeze. Izzy scrambled for a pitcher and cup off to his side. 

“Slow, just let the water touch his lips. No straw. He won’t have enough coordination to swallow that quickly, plus the trauma he just did to his throat.

Alec wanted to sigh with relief as the sensation of cool liquid against his chapped mouth. 

“Slow,” Foerstner advised again. The feeling was exquisite despite how painful swallowing was, but the pleasure Alec felt was not just his own. The memories of the hillside in Idris flooded back and a name echoed through his mind.

Selaphiel.

The angel didn’t respond in words but Alec felt the presence press against him from somewhere deep within. His breathing quickened.

“Heart rate is jumping,” a nurse reported.

“Alec, hey, you need to slow down your breathing,” Izzy said in her ‘I’m trying not to sound alarmed voice’. “Alec look at me.” Her words were lost, unparseable to Alec’s panicked mind. There was an angel inside of him.

“He’s tachy.”

“We need to sedate.”

‘You need to calm your body. You are hurting yourself.’ That bell like voice, that was a shade painful cut through the dim roar of his own heart beat. 

Alec focused on the ache in his torso, grounding himself in the pain to wrench control over his reeling mind and body. He breathed slower, measuring the breaths, counting out the inhale and exhale like when he first learned to meditate. 

He heard Izzy praising his efforts and searched out her deep brown eyes even as his own grew heavy. The few moments of consciousness depleted the energy from his torn body. Alec slipped back into darkness.

When he opened his eyes again, he was back on the hill in Idris. Selaphiel was beside him. Her wings were splayed out to either side, the left one almost wrapped around him. 

“Your body is resting.” Her voice wasn’t as sharp to him as before. Now that he wasn’t distracted by the symbols of her angelic being, Alec really looked at the angel sitting next to him. Her dark hair was curly and coarse falling in waves around her slim shoulders. She was no longer naked, a plain natural cotton dress, simple and unembellished covered her. Her skin was darker than his mother’s olive tone and her eyes shades lighter than Izzy’s. Her face was neither youthful nor aged. He couldn’t place her age with any accuracy and didn’t see the point of thinking on it. Afterall she was ageless, older than any immortal downworlder he had met. This facade before him was not real.

“I thought you may need a moment to speak with me.” The angel turned to face him. Her mouth quirked downwards and brow furrowed. It was odd, he could almost see the effort the angel was making to exaggerate the expression as if feeling out the range her features were capable of contorting into. 

“I…” Alec began, but aborted his speech to stand from his seated position, suddenly uncomfortable next to the holy being. His body found parade rest naturally and he looked down at the angel, slightly surprised when she chose to remain sitting. “I was distracted by my injuries. Then I remembered.”

Selaphiel’s face was inquisitive. “Yes, I felt that, you… panicked.” Shame bloomed on Alec’s cheeks. Dark hair cascaded as the angel tilted her head and her face sharpened. 

Alec was given the impression the angel was confused. She didn’t question him, instead one of her hands rose to her stomach. “You...we were in so much pain.” 

Alec blinked. “Yeah, I was injured.” His tone was definitely not respectful. “So badly I nearly died, would have died.” The ‘without you’ went unsaid.

“I would have fixed the damage if I had known that’s what it would feel like,” was Selaphiel’s response, not appearing to notice the nephilim’s irreverent tone.

“You’ve never been injured before?” As soon as the question left his mouth he knew the assumption behind it was wrong. 

Selaphiel’s lips twisted. “No, it is different. Angels are beings of light, sound and energy given purpose. We don’t experience physical sensation as your kind does. The physical bodies we form when we cross to this plane do not provide the sensory input that yours does.” Her hand brushed across her breast bone and Alec felt the phantom of the demon ripping into him. 

A grimace formed naturally across the angel’s face as if she felt it as well.

“Hurts like a bitch doesn’t it?” There was humor in his voice as he realized what the angel meant before. Selaphiel could have healed him completely, but the angel wanted to experience the pain. Alec knew he couldn’t comprehend fully the angel’s existence and didn’t really want to try. Her curiosity, however, wanting to feel even if that feeling was pain. Even the regret that came later, that Alec could understand.

Selaphiel looked up at him. The effect of the physical pain was still present around the corners of her eyes, but the edges of her mouth tilted upwards and for a moment understanding flowed between them.

“I believe I’ve had my fill of it for now, however I think, no I know,” the angel nods at him and Alec realizes she is referring to their shared knowledge, “I know it won’t be good for us if you were to suddenly recover.” 

The nephilim nodded in agreement. The clave… Alec knew what happened to those shadow hunters who showed exceptional abilities. Unless they came from powerful families they were usually taken from their parents at a young age and given to the Silent Brothers for training. If male they often became Silent Brothers themselves. Alec didn’t have the same aversion to the Silent Brothers as Izzy, but he shuddered to think what they would do given his current situation.

The train of thought led him to wonder what type of consequences the angel might face for this situation. He couldn’t imagine that Selaphiel was simply free to pop down to earth and do as she pleased. “Has this,” he gestured between Selaphiel and himself “has this happened before?” 

Selaphiel gave him an aborted bob of her head before frowning, as if confused by her own use of the gesture. “We are not the first. I don’t believe it has happened in a while.” Alec got the sense that the angel’s ‘a while’ was vastly different to his own. “It is not spoken of.”

“And no angels are going to come down and drag you out of me?” he asked, trying to keep the fear from his voice.

“No, as long as I do not interfere with the broad course of humanity, there will be no repercussions from heaven.” 

Alec huffed internally. Of course, one mortal life was wholly insignificant. The thought wasn’t in the same vein as his usual self-deprecation but something about her dismissal of what this was doing to him stung. Not wanting to ruminate longer on that thread, Alec looked out at the park below. “Why here?”

Selaphiel’s expression twitched before becoming an approximation of soft probably for the first time. “I wanted you to feel happy. You were dying and from your prayers I knew there was a chance you would not agree to my bargain. This place holds joy in your memories. I wanted to remind you of that in the hope you would agree.” 

Again, Alec was blindsided by not only the angel’s selfish manipulation of him and his thoughts and memories but also her unrepentant admittance to it. Anger suffused his blood and he had to step back, put distance between himself and Selaphiel.

“You are angry.”

Alec snorted.

“Why?”

“Can’t you just look inside my head? Know?” Alec snarled out.

Selaphiel appeared to contemplate her answer. “If I could do that… if I could just look and understand we would not be here.” She frowned and her confusion bubbled up, making her words feverish and hasty. “You are a tangled web of contradictions, not everything you feel, think, know is true, but you believe it to be so. Not every feeling holds the same weight. Every emotion unique in each moment, I-” Alec wanted to laugh or cry as the angel floundered for words. “I am the angel of prayer. I hear the prayers, I know why they are praying, I know their grief, pain, joy, anger but I do not understand it. I do not understand you.” The angel caught his eyes and the fervour behind them held his gaze “I do not understand why you wanted to die. I do not understand at just the sight of Isabelle’s face you were relieved you didn’t.” The sound of his sister’s name in the angel’s voice felt wrong and Alec wished to viciously tear the name from Selaphiel’s mind, so the angel could never say it again. 

But he couldn’t. The anger banked to the muted embers that always seemed to burn in the background. Alec was exhausted. He wanted this conversation to be over.

“I will try not to impose on your interactions. I will simply observe.”

With clarity, Alec realized that Selaphiel truly did not understand the violation of being privy to his feelings, memory, soul, after the angel listened to the prayers of millions. 

“Fine,” he exhaled “But can we not be here? If my body is resting I’d like for my mind or soul or whatever to rest as well.” Selaphiel gave no warning, or moment’s hesitation. Alec knew no more.

Alec woke slowly. The dull ache in his abdomen pulled his consciousness further and further to the surface. A hand was gripping his own. It was smaller than his own, feminine but the lack of calluses on the palm told him it wasn’t Izzy’s. He breathed in slowly, trying to appear asleep. 

He let his eyelids rise minutely and take in the sight of his mother’s hand in his own.

It hurt. 

Alec knew as soon as he showed a sign of waking, or if anyone else were to come into the room his mother would pull away from him. So he continued to fein sleep. 

He remembered the last time his mother took his hand. He was thirteen and came down with a fever so severe he lost touch with what was real and what wasn’t. After he recovered, he wasn’t sure if the tender care his mother showed him was just something that his burning brain conjured to comfort himself. 

The Lightwoods were not a physically affectionate family,or at least his parents had never been with him. He and Izzy would hug, lean against each other. They would all ruffle Max’s hair or squeeze his shoulders. Izzy still embraced their younger brother, but Max preferred or at least declared he preferred a handshake from Alec or Jace with all the seriousness an eight year old could muster.

Watching Maryse train Max, before Max began attending the Academy in Idris was a painful reminder of his own upbringing. Scalding words for failure, a scoff for any show of pain, a demand for more even after near perfection was achieved. 

The door to his room opened and Alec nearly flinched at the interruption to the quiet moment. He was surprised when Maryse didn’t pull her hand out of his.

“Where were you?” The frigid words were more an accusation than a question.

“Not now Maryse.” The voice belonged to his father and Alec felt ashamed for being surprised. Robert Lightwood was frequently away from the Institute. He oversaw relations between the New York Institute and their counterparts, recruitment from the Academy and represented the New York Institute when called upon by the Clave.

It seemed that his oldest son nearly dying, actually merited an appearance. 

“What happened?”

“Our son nearly died.”

Robert let out a huff of frustration. “Should I just go read the mission reports?”

Maryse was silent for a moment and Alec heard his father move to leave. “You know we’ve been short staffed since Clearheart went on maternity leave and the Hassam twins temporary placement here ended. Jace suggested to Alec they split up, cover more ground when multiple readings in their assigned quadrant came in.” 

Alec internally winced knowing his parabatai was probably chewed out for it, especially if he admitted to Maryse why he made the suggestion. 

“The boy is still too cocky,” Robert nearly growled. Alec wanted to protest his father’s words. Technically, Alec was Jace’s superior in the field. He should have kept them together.

“The readings weren’t strong. They both probably thought it was safe.” His mother’s voice was soft and Alec was struck dumb by her defense of their pooor choice, which went against protocol. Her words were accompanied by a squeeze to his hand. If he hadn’t been frozen by her prior words he probably would have blown his act and squeezed back.

“Has he woken?” his father asked. Silent steps must have brought him to Alec’s other side.

“For a moment, long enough to pull the tube from his throat before anyone could stop him.”

“Stubborn.” His jaw tensed at his father’s fond tone.

“Always has been,” his mother breathed out. His mother’s other hand joined in holding his, cradling it. “Forestner said he should have died. She thinks the only thing that kept him alive was his bond with Jace.” 

Alec could almost feel his father recoil from his side. Parabatai were always a sensitive topic with Robert, understandably so. The man didn’t even attend his and Jace’s ceremony. He wondered if his mother brought the point up to purposely hurt her husband.  
“She also said his recovery will be long. His abdominal wall was cut through and there was internal damage.” She choked on the last word and Alec couldn’t stop the flinch at the grief in her voice. “Alec?” she whispered. Her hands left him.

He knew he couldn’t keep up the facade of sleep any longer. He blinked his eyes open, hoping it appeared as if he just woke up. “Mom,” he croaked out, his throat’s rawness flaring with use. She quickly reached for the water cup at his bedside and helped him drink.

“I’ll get the doctor,” Robert decided abruptly, already escaping the room.

Maryse’s frown followed him out, but she quickly turned back to Alec. “You had us so worried baby.” Alec’s eyes burned and his breath shuddered at the endearment he hadn’t heard in ages. She reached out and gave his hand a final squeeze before setting it back down and stepping back, her patented cool mask settling back into place as the doctor and his father returned. 

Alec wished he would have managed to return that squeeze, committed the feeling of his mother’s palm against his own. He didn’t want to have to almost die to have the chance to feel his mother’s hand in his again.

The next time Alec woke up, sunlight filtered through the windows of his infirmary room. Izzy sat in one of the chairs near the window, her tablet in her lap and her hands at work, chipping the nail polish off her fingertips. Alec couldn’t help the smile that turned the corners of his lips upwards at his sister’s nervous habit.

“Hey you,” he greeted her softly, voice still hoarse despite the fluids he consumed. Izzy’s head lifted so that her deep brown eyes met his hazel. Alec felt something heavy in him lift at seeing her bright, if tired smile. “Jace?” he asked. He was unsurprised that his parabatai was staying away, but he needed to know the younger man was okay. 

Alec shakily brought a hand to settle on his left hip where their rune sat. It was an unconscious gesture that happened whenever he focused purposefully on their bond. The blonde was blocking him out, but Alec could sense his parabatai was nearby. The fact he was being blocked wasn’t concerning in itself. Alec having such a severe injury would have made it difficult for Jace to function if he wasn’t blocking the bond. 

Izzy’s sigh told him everything he needed to know. “Brooding somewhere and blaming himself,” she verbally confirmed. Izzy futzed with the tablet in her hands. Alec could always read his sister. 

“Izz, what is it?”

Izzy pursed her bare lips, before one came she came to his bedside, unlocking the tablet as she walked. “I was the one who ran your blood work, to see if we were dealing with any demon venom.” Alec nodded to show he was following. “Alec, I don’t...I don’t know how to say this but your blood, it's changed.” 

‘Selaphiel.’

“I’ve never seen anything like it, it’s like, well no it just is.” Her eyes were wide with something that looked like awe. “You have two completely different red blood cell types, one nehphilim and the other…”

‘Selaphiel!’

“The markers in its genetic code are comparable to the remnants the Clave has archived of the last angel that walked the earth.”

‘SELAPHIEL!’

‘I was not expecting this.’

Izzy grabbed one of Alec’s hands. “Alec, I ran your blood after you got clipped by that Ravenor back in April. It wasn’t like this then.”

“Did you tell anyone? Are there any records?” Alec questioned urgently.

“Of course I didn’t tell anyone, I moved the report onto my personal tablet and I made it look like the report I got from the test today was the same as the one back in April. I did it as soon as I realized what I was looking at Alec!” 

“Do you have your stele?” She nodded. “Seal and Silence,” he ordered with a shaky wave at the door. Izzy immediately moved to follow his command.

‘Are you sure?’

‘She’s my sister. I can’t keep this from her.’

‘Very well.’

He almost sighed in relief at the angel’s easy agreement. He needed someone to talk to about this. Izzy returned, taking a seat on the bed and looking at Alec expectantly. 

“This is going to sound crazy.”

Izzy’s dark eyes rolled. “Alec, you somehow have the blood cells of an angel in you, and not a small amount, nearly half of the cells from the sample I pulled. You can’t get much crazier than that.”

Alec nodded absently and gave a soft laugh, wincing at the pain that flared in his abdomen at the action. “When I was lying on the ground, waiting to die,” he ignored Izzy’s shift at the reminder of just how close he had been to death, “I started praying and after I blacked out Selaphiel was there.” 

“Selalphiel?” Izzy whispered with awe.

Alec nodded, licking his somehow still cracked lips. “She offered me a deal.”

“A deal?” Izzy scoffed, echoing the incredulousness Alec once shared. 

‘I don’t understand.’ Alec thought purposefully about what the Clave preached about angels. ‘You were taught wrong.’ Yeah, he was getting that.

“Selaphiel is the angel of prayer. Long story short, her desire to understand humans, our emotions and experiences was causing her to fall.” Izzy’s intake of breath was audible. “She offered to save my life in exchange for, I don’t know, really the opportunity to experience the world through me.” 

‘I have merged my grace with your soul, your physical body contains both of us now.’

‘But why did that change my blood, why do angels even have blood? You said you were just light and energy.’

‘On the heavenly plane we are. On this plane our bodies must be physical in order to interact. Our energy is transformed into a temporary physical form. We can only sustain that form for a short amount of time or we become severely weakened. By merging myself with your soul I do not have to sustain myself to remain and interact with this plane. The blood I admit was an unanticipated side effect.’ 

Alec blinked at the influx of information. He relayed it to Izzy.

“By the angel,” his sister whispered.

Alec snorted, “Literally.” Izzy let out an indelicate snort of her own. 

He was prepared for her next question and hardened himself against any outward reaction. “How long is she...staying inside of you?” his sister’s nose crinkled at the awkward phrasing. 

“Until she understands, whatever that means.” He saw with relief that his sister accepted this answer and didn’t question it further.

Izzy stood and quickly crossed to the window before whirling around her dark eyes brimming with curiosity. “I have so many questions!” 

Alec groaned. “Izz, trust me I get it but based on everything I’ve learned from her there are some things us mere mortals shouldn’t know.” 

‘I wouldn’t mind answering questions if it means clearing up some misconceptions you have about angels.’ The nephilim ignored Selaphiel’s offer.

“Aaaaleeeec,” she pouted. 

“You are 19, those eyes don’t work on me anymore,” Alec denied. 

Her pout intensified. 

“Okay three questions.”

“Ten!”

“Five”

“Eight”

“Five, take it or leave it.”

“Deal!” 

She smirked as she plopped back down on his bed, eyes practically sparkling with excitement. “You know I’m going to get way more than five out of you,” she gloated.

Alec sighed, knowing she was right, but it didn’t stop the smile that spread across his face at her child-like eagerness. 

The questioning went on for nearly an hour before Alec begged on behalf of his poor throat to stop. Izzy ungraciously relented, leaving to get Alec his lunch of broth, refusing to take pity on him and get something solid. “You have abdominal trauma Alec. Clear liquids only,” she said as if it was obvious.

‘She is very…’

‘Nosy?’

‘Inquisitive.’ 

Alec couldn’t help the proud smile that formed from the description. 

‘So why did you choose a female form?’

Izzy had asked for a description of the angel and after finding out that she appeared as a woman asked if angels had gender. It turned out that angels did not have gender as they did not procreate. 

‘I sometimes see people’s physical forms when they pray to the creator. My form is an amalgamation of several. I chose to appear as a woman to you because I knew you would be less physically threatened and more likely to accept my deal.’ 

Alec tried not to think about how his mother or Izzy would feel about that. ‘So gender to you?’ Even he wasn’t sure where he was going with the question.

‘A biological mechanism by which a majority of species currently alive procreates.’ 

‘Right…’

He could tell Selaphiel was going to ask him something else when someone knocked. 

“Come in!” Alec called, expecting it to be a nurse to check on him. The blonde head of his parabatai poked through the slight opening. “Jace.” His heart fluttered despite his best attempt to not have a reaction. 

“Can I come in?” Jace asked. 

Alec rolled his eyes, motioning with a slightly steadier hand, soaking up the sight of his brother in arms. Like Izzy, Jace appeared to have not slept since Alec was injured. It hurt to see his parabatai so broken. He wanted to smooth over the dark circles under Jace’s eyes with his thumbs. 

‘Alec.’

He winced at the sharpness of Selaphiel’s voice. It wasn’t since the first time she spoke that the sound hurt. Dread sat heavy in Alec’s stomach as he anticipated the angel’s words. 

‘This nephilim has been exposed to angel blood.’ 

Alec nearly aspirated on his saliva. Well, that wasn’t what he was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew and we are off! Let me know what ya’ll thought so far of the characterization. I do not apologize for any world building that doesn’t quite fit canon. I always felt the whole angel blood thing didn’t make any sense.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec feels change is coming and maybe it’s not a bad thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t own anything or make any money from this. Thanks to everyone who is giving this story a chance. Thanks to those kind enough to leave a comment. Comments are always appreciated. 
> 
> Ugh this chapter. So many threads and I’m trying my best to keep them all tied together. Wow writing is hard. Let me know what you think! What did you love? What did you hate? 
> 
> Warnings: I talk about religious figures in a way some might find offensive please remember this is a work of fiction and is not meant to be a judgement or an opinion on anyone’s beliefs.

‘This man is killing you.’

Alec resisted the urge to roll his eyes, lest Batonvert think he was rolling his eyes at him.

‘I’m not dying Selaphiel.’

The nephilim got the impression that the angel grumbled something along the lines of ‘feels like it’. If his entire torso didn’t feel like an aching angry mass, Alec would have laughed. Through the early stages of the recovery process Selphiel made it known she did not enjoy feeling pain. 

‘I still don’t think he knows what he’s doing.’

The young shadowhunter couldn’t help the snort that escaped him. He looked up at the animated wall of muscle to see a dark eyebrow lift.

Serge Batonvert, his rehabilitation specialist, was an impressive figure. He was probably only an inch or two shorter than Alec himself and more thickly built than Jace. His dark runed skin also had its fair share of scars and the man’s nose had clearly been broken and poorly reset. 

The older shadowhunter would oversee Alec’s recovery, determining when he was eligible to return to active duty. After their formal introduction the Algerian shadowhunter insisted on being called Serge. “Nice work, let’s stop there for today.” The other man handed Alec his bottle of water and motioned to a chair. Alec sank into it with relief that he attempted to not let show on his face. “A little bird tells me you’ve been working after hours.” 

Alec met the rehab specialist’s dark brown eyes with his hazel and inwardly sighed knowing a lecture was coming. Serge held up his hand in a not so much placating gesture as it was a command to halt his thought, “I get it.”

The simple statement was the truth and Alec knew Batonvert understood. He was a well known fighter, probably the best to come out of his graduating class at the Academy. One of the few shadowhunter’s to use a double bladed battle axe. Alec was only a year away from graduating the Academy when news of the Clave’s top warrior being irreparably injured in one of the deadliest skirmishes to happen in a decade.

An analyst misinterpreted data and Serge’s twelve man unit was sent into a nest of Vetis demons. The dragon-like demons typically didn’t coexist with their own kind peacefully, but at times were known to cooperate and when doing so were extremely dangerous. The twelve shadowhunters were expecting a fight, but not one of that magnitude. Only four besides Serge made it out alive and all claimed it was only due to the axe-wielding shadowhunter’s fierceness and skill. 

“Your team is getting sent out soon, aren’t they?” Serge asked. Alec blinked, not quite surprised that Serge knew his motivation for pushing his limits, but taken aback he had come to the conclusion so quickly. The older shadowhunter nodded, taking Alec’s silence as confirmation. Serge’s dark eyes dropped to the stone floor and he chuckled, “I could share some emotional anecdotes here, but I doubt you want to hear it, so I’ll just say this. Your recovery is on a good path. You over do it, you push too hard too fast, best case scenario you suffer a setback. Worst case scenario you fuck yourself up and you don’t make a full recovery.” 

The reprimand in his words was clear. Alec knew the rehab specialist was right, not just because this was his profession, but Alec’s aching body felt like the man was right. 

But the thought of Jace and Izzy going out with a third, who may not have their back made his throat tight. 

Serge shifted drawing, Alec’s attention back to him. The older shadowhunter hesitated before speaking again. “You’ve been tapped for the Head position of this institute, oui?” Alec nodded, deciding not to dwell on how that was now not as certain as before. “That’s not a combat position.” The statement was a simple fact, but the hazel eyed shadowhunter frowned, beginning to see where Serge’s line of thought was going. “You would eventually have to send out shadowhunters, your sister, your parabatai,” he paused here and Alec wished the man wouldn’t continue, “They are going to go where you won’t be able to follow.” 

The echo of the parabatai ceremonial words made Alec’s chest burn and it wasn’t from his injury.

‘Alec,’ Selaphiel’s voice cut through the roaring dim that was slowly creeping into Alec’s mind. 

Alec brought his head up to meet concerned brown eyes as he forced his lungs to expand. “I take it that isn’t something you’ve thought about, at least, not so directly.” Alec shook his head. “Well,” Serge came to his feet, “My advice for what it's worth, get a hobby for that excess energy and stop pushing it.”

The jarring exit after the man just disrupted his entire view of the future was a sharp cut to the gut and Alec glared at the man’s back as the other shadowhunter headed towards the training room’s door. “And the rest?” he asked.

Serge didn’t even bother turning around. “Above my pay grade.”

Alec snorted as he leaned back in his chair blowing out a heavy exhale as his heart rate finally slowed down to a normal pace. He sat in silence for a moment, trying to put Serge’s words and the uncertainty of his current position out of his mind.

‘Shower?’ the angel in his head asked hopefully. Alec nodded in response to the angel’s question instead of responding verbally. 

Izzy was waiting for him when he got out. “Long shower hermano?” She raised an eyebrow suggestively and Alec gave her a flat glare before pulling some clothes from his dresser. “So how does that go with Selaphiel?” 

“By the angel Izzy! Seriously?!” Alec’s eyes cut back to hers with a bit more fire. 

“Curious minds want to know.”

“About your brother’s shower habits?”

“For science Alec!”

Alec went behind his bathroom door before dropping the towel around his waist and pulling on clothes. “If you must know, Selaphiel loves the feeling of showering. She’s never had skin before and she finds the different smells of soaps and shampoos enthralling.” He joined his sister again in his room and noted the teapot and mugs set out on his coffee table.

Izzy’s dark eyes lit up with academic intrigue. “So, the sensory experience?”

Alec shrugged, “Yeah, I guess. Is there a reason you barged into my room while I was showering Iz?” Alec usually enjoyed spending down time with his sister but the session with Batonvert and the other stressors he was currently dealing with were weighing on him. He wanted to be alone to process. Or alone as he could be while sharing his body with an angel.

“Yes actually,” she mumbled something that sounded like ‘grouchy’ under her breath. Izzy took a seat on the small couch across from the armchairs that made up the small sitting area in his room. She poured the tea from the pot, it’s floral notes were pleasing to his nose and Selaphiel’s desire to taste it was apparent to Alec, as he sat across from his sister. She handed Alec one of the heavy clay mugs. Their mother would have cringed at such a delicate tea being served in such, but the weight of the mug was comfortable in Alec’s grip and only a gentle heat made it through the fired clay walls to his fingers and palms.

He was about to take a sip when Izzy finally decided to speak. “Have you heard?” she asked, and there was a quiver of something in her voice that made him pause. He assumed she was talking about the Inquisitor’s investigation into the incident that caused his injury. Now that Alec was out of medical danger and appeared to be on track to make a full recovery, the Clave descended upon the New York Institute to complete their own inquiry into how a shadowhunter was nearly killed in action. Alec knew he wasn’t going to get out of it unscathed.

“I’ve seen her speaking with others,” Alec answered with a shrug, blowing on the tea.

“Damn it, Alec!” Izzy swore with now apparent frustration. “How can you be so calm about this? With the cup still MIA you know how harshly they punish recklessness when it causes injury or death.”

Alec felt an old fury rise up in him, “You are going to lecture me about being reckless?” His tone made the words burn like acid on his tongue and his sister flinches.

Izzy’s grip on her own mug of tea faltered and something in her dark brown eyes shuttered. She blew out a shaky breath, “I know, I have no right-”

“Damn right you don’t,” Alec bit out darkly, being unable to swallow the words. She looked like she was going to speak again but Alec stopped her. “If this investigation yields a recommendation that I be sanctioned and the tribunal of the American Conclave agree, it’s very unlikely that I’ll be considered to take over the New York Institute. I know that. I’m surprised that you realize there are consequences.” His words stung Izzy as she looked away, not being able to meet his steady gaze.

As soon as his mother told him about the inquiry Alec knew it was a possibility. Maryse knew he understood as well, and although she tried to reassure him that it wouldn’t come to that, Alec could tell his mother was just as concerned. His father was currently building Alec’s defense, preparing for the worst.

“It’s not fair, everyone in the Institute knows Jace-”

Alec cut her off. “You know that doesn’t matter. I hold the higher rank. In the eyes of the law, I made the decision to break standard operating procedure.” The anger in him was dying and he was suddenly so tired he couldn’t keep holding his mug. He looked down at it as he set it back on the coffee table. Whatever he planned to say died in his throat when his gaze came back to Izzy. She was obviously trying very hard not to cry. “Little sister,” he said softly instead, crossing over to the loveseat she sat on and enveloping her in his long arms. He murmured words he hoped were comforting in Spanish, something he rarely did, comforting words or the Spanish. 

Although they were both raised with the language thanks to their maternal grandmother, Izzy had more exposure to it than Alec. Once Alec left New York to attend the Academy in Idris, Izzy was sent to live with Margarita Trueblood for a year. Alec thought that a lot of Izzy’s spirited nature was owed to her year with the woman. “Whatever they decide, I’ll survive it,” he tried to reassure her and himself.

Izzy struggled to control her breathing. “I know you will, I’m just.” her whole body shuddered, “It was so much. You nearly dying, the angel thing, mom and dad talking about how they were going to deal with the inquisition, Jace, the whispers from the others… I,” her voice died and she turned away from his embrace. 

“What is it Iz?”

She stared down at her hands, not meeting his eyes. “I had an epiphany of sorts, I guess. I realized how selfish, I’ve been, how reckless like you said.” Alec tried to interrupt her, guilt at his previous words flaring. “No,” she told him firmly, looking up. “We disobeyed you in the field, ignored your orders and flagrantly disrespected you.” Izzy choked at the last part, holding Alec’s hands tight. “I wish I had an excuse, some reason, but I look back and there is nothing, nothing.” The guilt and shame she felt at her past actions bled into her voice, and it made Alec heart hurt to hear his sister so distraught. “You’ve tried to reign Jace and I in. God, Alec you tried. When we refused to hear or heed you, you did your best to mitigate any damage we’ve done or consequences we’ve incurred. I’ve been so childish. I’ve never felt the same way as you about the Clave, about our ways and I stupidly,” she bit out the word, one Alec knew she absolutely hated being called or associated with as she wiped angrily at her wet cheeks. “I naively thought that I knew better. That you were just uptight and paranoid. You were too scared to break the rules. And, Angel Alec! When they wheeled you in, you looked dead.” She let out a sob, “You were so pale.”

“I’m pale Izzy, you point it out enough,” Alec attempted to joke, his own eyes starting to burn. He’d always wanted Izzy and Jace to realize that they weren’t kids anymore. That they couldn’t do what they wanted consequences be damned. It had always fallen to Alec to keep them in line and when that failed to cover up their behavior. Yes, he resented their disregard for his authority in the field and he knew they only felt comfortable rebelling because Alec was placed as their superior. Alec had the opportunity on multiple occasions to switch his younger siblings out to another unit leader, another of his failings. 

“Not funny,” she responded, punching him lightly. A quiet fell over the siblings as they mulled over their own thoughts and Izzy slowly picked up the pieces of her composure. “I spoke with Forestner,” Alec waited as she paused for a breath. “I’m off the combat duty roster.”

“Iz you don’t have to do that.”

Izzy shook her head. “This isn’t a punishment. I want to pursue field surgery. Forestner thinks with my previous education in pathology I could become certified in two years.”

Alec didn’t know what to make of the announcement. Izzy always showed an aptitude for medicine, choosing to pursue a certification in forensics and pathology after she completed her combat duty certification from the Academy. Izzy made the decision once she completed her studies to only work part time in the labs, saying she preferred combat. “Do you really want that or is this reactionary?” he questioned.

Izzy sighed, “Of course it is, but that doesn’t mean it's not a good choice for me.” She wrapped both her hands around his and managed a tired smirk. “Field surgeons with my combat proficiency are basically unheard of.” Alec huffed at her bravado. Glad to see his sister’s personality shining through. “Selaphiel is the only reason you made it home,” she said, solemnity returning to her voice and face. “We can’t rely on an angel to answer our prayers.”

Alec nodded, her mention of Selaphiel reminded him about Jace. “Iz, about Jace-”

“You’ve been avoiding him.” Izzy interrupted. “I’m upset too, but he thinks you blame him for what happened and even though he of course blames himself, thinking you also blame him is killing him.” 

Alec managed to swallow a bitter retort about Izzy telling him how his parabatai feels. “Selaphiel told me Jace was exposed to angel blood.”

Izzy blinked, clearly extremely surprised. “What?” 

“I don’t know, Selaphiel had difficulty explaining it to me. She said Jace was, at some point exposed, as in angel blood got in him somehow.”

Izzy was about to respond when a knock at the door interrupted. The Seal and Silence runes Izzy must have drawn to keep their conversation private burned brightly against the dark wood. His sister stood, drawing her stele from somewhere (as her brother he would always prefer not to know where she managed to stash the thing) Izzy waited for Alec to retake his seat in the armchair before deactivating the runes and opening the door.

“Aline!” Izzy cried with equal surprise and delight. Alec stood, ignoring his protesting muscles and skin, surprised as well to see their friend in his doorway. 

“Aline, good to see you,” he greeted with an outstretched hand after Izzy let go of the older woman from her exuberant embrace. The other shadowhunter grinned, amusement shining in her eyes at the difference between the two siblings’ greetings. 

Her calloused hand gripped Alec’s firmly and she stepped through the threshold of the room. “Good to see you as well,” the skin around her almond eyes tightened, “glad you aren’t dead.”

Alec snorted, he’d always appreciated Aline’s straightforward and at times almost painfully blunt manner. “That makes two of us.”

“Three!” Izzy chimed in grabbing at Aline’s arm and all but dragging her to the now vacant seating area. “What are you doing here? Would you like tea? Are you staying long?” 

Alec settled back into his own seat, happy to see his sister excited over something after the somber discussion they were having before Aline’s arrival. 

Aline’s laughter was rich and full. “By the angel Izzy, give me a moment to answer one of those. I am starving actually, and something a little more filling than tea would be great, and yes I am staying but the length depends on…” she trailed off with a significant look in her light brown eyes at Alec. 

Her sudden appearance clicked in Alec’s mind. “You’ve been temporarily assigned to fill in my spot.” Something in Alec’s chest eased, the deep seated worry lifting, not completely but enough that it felt like he could draw in a proper breath. Aline was an excellent fighter and an even better tactician. She was level headed in battle and wouldn’t be easily cowed by Jace in the field. Although now, Izzy wouldn’t regularly go on patrols, she could still be called upon if there was need and he knew the girls worked well together. He managed a soft smile at the concern in Aline’s eyes. “That’s excellent Aline, I’m happy it’s you.”

The corners of Aline’s mouth ticked upwards at the warm approval she received. “Thanks, Alec. I would hate to think I’m stepping on your toes.” 

Alec waived away the thought with a hand. “Not at all.”

Izzy made a noise of disappointment. “I’m sorry I won’t be regularly going out with you.”

Aline turned to the other woman, brows knitting together. “What do you mean? I understood your usual patrol unit was you, Alec and Jace?” 

Izzy nodded, glancing at Alec. It suddenly occurred to Alec that Izzy might have come to him first with the news of her new path and that she might not be ready to discuss it with anyone else just yet. 

“It was,” Izzy confirmed. An awkward silence settled as she didn’t continue. 

“Iz, I know you want to catch up with Aline, but that thing with Jace-” 

Izzy jumped at the change of topic. “Right! Let me go take care of that.” She stood, Aline also coming to her feet. “Let’s do dinner or something tonight! You can’t be going out on duty already?”

Aline grinned. “No and I was hoping you would take me out to see the city!” The older woman let the topic drop without challenge. 

Izzy nodded and the two women made plans to meet up in the early evening before she left with a pointed look at Alec. He acknowledged the look with a raised brow before he returned his attention to Aline. 

“Well, as much as I’d love to catch up, I kind of ditched my tour guide to come find you two, and I technically don’t even have quarters yet.” 

Alec almost sighed in relief. 

“Don’t look so relieved,” she teased with good humor.

Alec’s head dropped with a bit of embarrassment at being caught. “Sorry, I’m exhausted. I do want to get coffee or something, ya know when I’m allowed outside again.” 

Aline winced at the suggestion of his medical restrictions. A cloud passed over her face. “I am really glad you are okay Alec.” She looked toward the stained glass of his window before shaking herself out of the melancholy mood. “Another time. When I’m settled and you aren’t exhausted. I’m sure I’ll have some questions about the operations here as well. I’ll bring some good coffee,” she offered as she made her way to the door. 

“Sounds wonderful, I’ve had nothing but decaf and I’d murder for a real cup.” 

Aline’s grin was back, “It’s a plan.” She paused before the door and looked like she wanted to add something before with a shake of her head and a wave of her hand she left. 

‘A friend?’ Selaphiel questioned.

Alec purposefully recalled memories of Aline at the Academy to satisfy the angel’s curiosity.

‘A good friend.’ Selphiel amended something pleasant ringing in her voice. 

Alec could tell the angel wanted to say something else and his gaze fell on the teapot and mugs left on his coffee table. Amusement tipped his lips upwards when he realized what the angel wanted. 

Picking up his abandoned mug he lifted it to his lips and took a healthy sip letting the now tepid liquid sit on tongue. Tasting things for the first time since Selaphiel was an entertaining experience. The angel had strong reactions generally to flavors. Even the lukewarm tea, not at its proper temperature caused the angel to sigh softly in his mind and Alec got the sense that her coppery feathers ruffled in pleasure. 

As Alec sat in the quiet of his room with just the angel’s company present in his mind his thoughts turned to the unavoidable conversation he needed to have with Jace. He hadn’t seen his parabatai since after he initially woke up and was able to maintain a conscious state. Jace didn’t know yet about Selaphiel, about how close Alec actually came to dying.

Thinking of Jace in the quiet brought up feelings Alec would have rather stayed buried. He could feel Selaphiel’s attention shift from the tea to his parabatai. The shame of being bared to the angel, of this divine being witnessing his depraved feelings caused bile to rise his throat, burning and acidic. 

His heart rate escalated and he didn’t notice as the mug fell from his weakened grasp, landing with a muted thug on the plush carpet. 

‘I do not understand,’ Selaphiel’s bell bright tone struck down the rising panic. She continued without an acknowledgement of her statement from Alec. “Are you ashamed of your attraction to men, or your feelings for Jace?”

If Alec was still drinking the tea he would have choked. There was nothing behind Selaphiel’s inquiry other than curiosity. He could feel no judgement in the angel’s voice or in the general sense of her he was constantly aware of. 

‘They are both wrong, are they not? Must I pick one?’ His mind didn’t ignore Selaphiel’s question as his response did. He supposed that he wasn’t the first...shadowhunter with inclinations towards the same sex. There were others he knew of who were gossiped about, even an openly gay older couple in the LA institute who got along just fine. No one of higher rank though, from a dynasty that rivaled his family’s own or someone with aspirations to run an institute some day. That was his future so he couldn’t, wouldn’t act on his feelings. 

The traitorous thought of maybe it wasn’t his future whispered through him but he locked it away. If things with the tribunal didn’t go in his favor then that was one thing. Actually choosing not to take up the role his parents had chosen for him was out of the question.

‘You know it isn’t actually wrong though, your sexuality?’ 

Alec flinched at the angel’s question despite the gentleness of it. It was difficult for him to discuss it so bluntly, so plainly, even in his own mind. 

‘It isn’t?’ The question sounded small. Alec rubbed at his eyes and the world around him shifted. 

The sun was high, shining through the colorful cloth providing some shade. The landscape that stretched out from the porch he sat on was wooded, with mountains cresting in the distance. Alec recognized the view from his grandmother’s house in Idris. He spent every summer he could remember here before he attended the academy. 

Selaphiel stood in the yard, her wings stretched out as if soaking up the sun. She spoke with a voice that carried easily on the gentle breeze. ‘I have listened to the prayers of every soul that has chosen to pray. I have heard their darkest desires, their innocent wants, their wishes to be changed.’ Her head tilted. ‘I heard so many pray to be something that they cannot, to change something that is not changeable, even for an angel. That was never what the creator intended.’

‘Are you saying god made me gay?’

The angel’s lips twitched with amusement. ‘Of course not.’ Alec frowned about to speak again before Selapiel shook her head. ‘And it also was not a choice on your part,” she dismissed, addressing his thoughts. ‘To say that the creator has a hand in the formation of each and every person born is a gross overestimation of his involvement.’ The angel tipped her head up towards the sun. ‘Yes the creator established the initial design, but that design allowed for was more variance than any one single human represents, which was intended.’

Alec grimaced at the notion that god intended for a whole group of people he intentionally allowed to be born different to suffer. 

‘That was not the creator’s intention, what people have chosen to believe, what they have chosen to be wrong or right, who they have chosen to persecute, that is not a choice the creator made. Merely a consequence of the gift given to humans.’

‘Gift?’ 

Selaphiel stepped towards the porch, staring up at Alec’s vulnerable expression. ‘You didn’t choose who or what gender you are attracted to, but you do get to choose if you ever act on it. Just as it was a choice not to turn away from your sister earlier, to embrace her instead of allowing the hurt she has caused you to make you bitter. Your choice to accept me-’

‘That wasn’t a-’

Selphiel interrupted, and Alec was taken aback at the vehemence in her voice and body as she stepped up onto the stairs. ‘Yes it was! You made a choice when you allowed me into your soul. You made a choice to live. You deny it because you are ashamed of your own desires, to not follow your duty, to turn away from your family, to die, but your feelings do not negate that you chose your path!’

Alec’s body shuddered at the angel’s words. He was unable to look at the embodiment of divinity any longer and he turned away from her and her words. The discussion was suddenly so much bigger than his attraction to men. 

All his life he never felt like he was fully in control. He had to follow the shadowhunter way. He had to take care of his siblings. He had to live up to his parents’ expectations. He had to bury his sexuality. It was never a choice, never within his control.

But here was an angel...telling him it was. 

What would have happened? What would have happened if he told his parents he would rather study blacksmithing and advanced runes than administration and diplomacy? What would have happened if he accepted that date from the mundane who frequented the coffee shop Alec liked, who Alec not so subtly stared at? What would have happened if Alec told Jace he couldn’t become his parabatai because he was in love with him?

Alec’s hands shook as he lifted them to grip the railing of the deck for support. He felt as if everything he knew about himself was somehow ripped away. If he felt stripped bare in front of the angel before, now he felt flayed open. 

He didn’t notice Selaphiel coming to stand next to him. ‘You are not the only one who believed they never were given choices.’ The angel lightly placed her hands on the railing next to his. Not touching but resting close enough, Alec could almost feel her. ‘Seeing your experiences, feeling your emotions, hearing your denial of the truth...I too am guilty of not realizing I have made choices when I believed, no it was more than belief when I thought I knew there was only one way.’ Alec didn’t find it comforting but the angel didn’t seem to notice his feelings for once, too lost in her own contemplation. 

The two stood together in silence and Alec’s thoughts turned back to how this discussion started. To Selaphiel’s question of what he was so ashamed of. 

He thought of Daniel. The attractive mundane who asked him on a date. He didn’t feel shame. He felt regret. Regret that he couldn’t say yes, or regret that he felt he couldn’t because now he saw it was a choice again. He wanted to go on that date, not so much because of some fleeting attraction to the mundane that he knew would pass, but because he wanted to experience something! 

He said no. He said no because he didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to lie about who he was, what he did and that... he had feelings for someone else. 

Feelings he was ashamed of. Because Jace was his parabatai, his brother and to have romantic feelings for either was depraved. 

‘Do you know why?’

Selaphiel’s question pulled him out of his internal struggle. 

‘Why what?’ Alec responded, the words cutting his throat. 

‘Why the Clave has forbidden romantic relationships between parabatai?’

Alec frowned wondering where the angel’s questions were coming from. ‘It’s a perversion of the bond. Parabatai are meant to be soul bound brothers, sisters, siblings in battle, a pairing blessed by Raziel himself.’

Selaphiel shook her head. ‘The parabatai rune, the ceremony, it was created by shadowhunters’

The nephilim felt the air leave his lungs. ‘What?’ he gasped. He wondered how many times Selaphiel would shatter his world view. 

The angel explained, her voice steady, ‘There are a few runes that are not angelic in origin. The parabatai rune is one of them. Because of this, the rune is flawed. It’s purpose is to bind two souls together, loosely but enough so that the angelic power nephilim carry in their souls might be shared.’ Selaphiel looked up at Alec to see his face brow furrowed as he hung on her words. ‘This results in your shared awareness of each other which makes your ability to fight as one possible. However, when that bond is strengthened by mutual feelings of an intimate nature and physically acted upon…’ she tilted her head and appeared to contemplate her words. ‘Imagine two pools divided by a rock wall. The rocks allow for some of the pools’ water to pass, like when one of you needs strength, but that water always returns to the pool it belongs to. If the water becomes turbulent, passing through the rock wall with force that rock wall erodes. The pools mix and together they have the potential to escape their own boundaries.’

‘And in this metaphor the water represents our angelic power so...it becomes uncontrollable?’

Selaphiel nodded. ‘Raziel blessed Nephilim with angelic grace, but a sliver really. Your bodies are still that of humans. I actively keep my grace separate from your soul and control it so that it does not harm your body, the angelic power within your soul and your nephilim blood allows you a modicum of protection. Look what angelic power does to a human body without such protection.’

Forsaken, Alec realized with no small amount of horror. ‘So if Jace and I were to ever…’

‘No. It has happened before and the process is much slower than what happens to a human burned with an angelic rune. The pools of water are not just angelic power but your souls. You would lose sense of yourself and Jace as being two separate people and become one. If Jace and you were to be physically close it would eventually cause your angelic energy to grow to a point your souls could not contain it and the pressure would need to be released.’

‘We would be destroyed,’ Alec concluded with a whisper.

‘You and potentially whoever and whatever was within a five mile radius.’ 

Alec flinched. His stomach writhed with guilt and shame at what he once desired, wished for.

‘Why feel guilt?’ Selphiel questioned, not allowing Alec time to wallow. ‘Did you ever act on your feelings.’

‘No!’ Alec denied at once feeling almost betrayed that the angel even asked when she knew he hadn’t.

‘Then again I ask why do you feel as if you had? You made a choice not to, a choice that you were lucky to make given you did not have all the information. I may not understand all your emotions or choices but I know you Alexander Lightwood. I know you would never knowingly do something that would endanger so many lives.’

‘But I could have unknowingly,’ he whispered more to himself than to Selaphiel.

Selaphiel didn’t speak again. Alec wasn’t sure how long the two stood together in silence broken only by the chirping of birds and rustling of the wind through the trees. 

After his talk with Selaphiel, Alec gave into exhaustion and took a nap before dinner. He checked his phone, responding to Izzy’s texts before grabbing some meals from the mess hall and making his way to where he knew Jace would be.

He wasn’t sure he was ready to face Jace so soon after the knowledge Selaphiel dropped on him, but he knew he couldn’t or Izzy wouldn’t allow him to put off this discussion any longer. The echoes of guilt and self hatred he was getting from Jace’s end of the bond was becoming almost unignorable and was no doubt fueling some of those feelings in Alec as well. 

They needed to clear the air before either one of them did something stupid because of the emotional loop.

Selaphiel was quiet in his mind, retracting her presence as much as possible to give him the illusion of privacy. Alec appreciated her efforts and showed it by picking up a cup of hot cocoa with his meal that Selaphiel had shown an interest in trying before.

Jace was beating a punching bag senseless when he entered the last training room in the wing designated for it. Alec wasn’t surprised. Although a shadowhunter rarely fought demons with their fists, hand to hand being often overlooked as a fighting art necessary to shadowhunters, Jace would argue vehemently with anyone it was the most important fighting style to train. 

Alec set down their food on a table set off in a corner of the room and sat down, knowing Jace would come when he was ready. Jace was excellent at ignoring any discussion having to do with feelings, as was Alec, but he couldn’t ignore his stomach. 

The older shadowhunter sipped hot chocolate while he waited, Selaphiel’s reaction to the velvety drink causing him to smile around the lip of the mug.

Jace plopped down a few minutes later, pulling the tray Alec brought for him close.

Alec’s nose wrinkled at the smell coming off of his parabatai. “You stink.”

“Fuck off,” Jace responded around a mouthful of his sandwich. 

The hazel eyed shadowhunter couldn’t help the grin at Jace’s normal response. Maybe this talk wouldn’t be quite so painful for either of them.

“Serge, the guy who is training me back to fighting shape, he says I’m doing well,” Alec said casually, taking a bite of the salad on his plate. Jace breathed out through his nose and Alec felt the guilt bleed from him. “I’m going to be okay Jace.” 

Jace dropped the sandwich. Not a god sign. “I know Alec. I can feel you getting stronger. That doesn’t change-” his voice breaks and he stares at the tray because he can’t lift his eyes any higher. 

“No. It doesn’t change what happened. It doesn’t change the consequences the Clave might have for either of us.”

Jace stands abruptly, hands coming down onto the table with enough force that it sends his tray to the ground. “Consequences that should be for me and only me.” His bicolored eyes blaze and Alec can feel the anger and self recrimination behind them. 

“We both know that isn’t true.” 

“The hell it isn’t Alec! I knew. I knew if I asked and badgered you enough to split up, so we could get the mission done faster you would let me. I asked Alec and you know I wasn’t going to take no for an answer. I shouldn’t have pushed you like that.”

Alec nodded, continuing to eat his salad forcing down his own anger and bitterness at Jace’s cavalier behavior in the field. It wasn’t new. He should have put a stop to it long before this. “Maybe you shouldn’t have.” Something in Jace deflated, crushed by Alec’s words and it burned Alec to see it and feel it but it didn’t stop him. “Maybe I shouldn’t have let you get away with reckless shit for so long. Maybe it shouldn’t have taken me getting mortally wounded and almost dying for you to realize you were wrong,” his anger was steadily growing and he knew he may be breaking Jace by saying these things but the seal was broken and Alec needed to get the venom that had been festering in him out. “Maybe I should have transferred you to another unit leader when you showed me time and time again that you weren’t going to respect my command or respect me as your brother or parabatai.” Alec’s voice died as he finished his piece.

Jace’s pale and shaking hand grabs onto Alec’s shoulder. “Brother, no this, we-” They both shudder as Jace’s words are caught off by his involuntary intake of breath. The bond between them strains with the negative emotions and they both feel it pulling apart. Jace, pulling away from the guilt and loathing he felt, exacerbated by the damnation Alec just handed him. Alec pushing Jace away with the bitterness long ignored that he let poison his heart unchecked. 

Alec recognized now he had a choice. He could break them. He could deny how they got to this point. That it wasn’t only Jace’s actions. That Alec’s dishonesty also played a role. 

Or he could reach out for Jace, the cocky boy who helped him find confidence when he needed it the most, the first real friend he ever made, the brother he chose. The brother who chose him. It wasn’t Alec who asked to become parabatai. It was Jace. Jace chose to trust Alec to always have his back and to offer that trust in return.

It was that show of trust that propelled Alec forward to take his place in the circle and complete the binding ceremony. It was that trust that gave Alec the strength to reach out body and soul to his other half that was slipping away. 

He grabbed Jace’s arm and rose from his seat as he flooded the bond with everything he felt for Jace, the loyalty, the disappointment, the trust, the betrayal, the love, the anger, the devotion and the desire. He pushed it all through, making sure Jace felt it, even if Alec could never say it out loud.

Jace swayed with it, his face contorting in joy and pain as he processed what Alec was giving him. The shorter shadowhunter leaned on Alec’s arm and their eyes locked as they both were swept up in the maelstrom of the bond. 

Jace’s eyes slipped closed as he pushed back and Alec felt Jace’s response. Love overwhelming in its ferocity, the loyalty and devotion Jace had not only for Alec but for Alec’s family because they were Jace’s as well. It was tinged with fear, a sharpness that didn’t take away from the love but also caused pain. With love always came fear for Jace and Alec knew Jace relied on his steadiness at times to overcome it, to allow himself to accept and give love.

What came next stole Alec’s breath. Acceptance, acceptance of the feelings Jace apparently always knew Alec had. Regret, at not being able to return those feelings. Fear, at being left by Alec because of it.

“Never,” Alec promised. 

“Never,” Jace echoed reassuring Alec, that Jace would never turn away from him.

They slowly let go of each other. Neither wanted to break the physical connection, both feared that the bond, which felt stronger than it had in a while, would somehow vanish or weaken again if they let go.

In the back of his mind Alec wondered briefly if they were eroding the wall that kept their soul’s apart. 

‘No.’ Selaphiel answered.

The angel’s denial comforted Alec as he and his parabatai found their seats again. 

They finished their meal in silence, both exhausted by what happened between them and the toll their strained bond was taking on them since Alec was injured and possibly before it as well. 

Alec knew not everything between them was fixed. Reaffirming their bond and their love for one another even if it was done with more honesty than ever before could not erase all of their problems. But it was a start, a change, an opportunity for them to move forward.

It was something they had both been desperately needing.

“So…” Jace began, as Alec picked up his own sandwich to take a bite. “Are we going to talk about how you somehow have an angel inside you.”

Alec choked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of ran out of steam by the time Alec got to Jace and copped out a bit at the end. 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which more conversations are had and answers are not found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter was edited for storyline details. Don’t own anything or make any money from this. Thanks to everyone who is giving this story a chance. Thanks to those kind enough to leave a comment. Comments are always appreciated. Kudos are sweet too. Stay safe and healthy!

Alec didn’t have many memories that he could recall with clarity before Izzy was born. There was only one really, a quiet morning at his grandmother’s house.

His parents were asleep upstairs. He and his grandmother were together on the porch. It was late summer in Idris and the rainy season had settled like a cool blanket in the warm valley. He remembered watching the rain while he drank hot tea with cream, swinging his legs to set the porch swing into motion.

He and his grandmother had been up for a while together. His parents were working long hours those days and he remembered wanting to make them breakfast. The smell of cinnamon and fried dough permeated the house mixing through the open windows with pine and petrichor.

He remembered his grandmother’s voice, low and clear, crinkling at the edges as she entertained him with tales of brave shadowhunters. The wood of the old, porch swing was rough against his fingers, the paint cracked and worn as he cuddled under the warmth of his grandmother’s favorite throw and listened to her stories.

Alec thought about that memory off and on throughout the years. He yearned for the peace his child self was blessed with in that moment. 

Although he preferred coffee now, he still indulged in a healthy amount, or perhaps less than a healthy amount of cream in it. 

‘That smells magnificent,’ Selaphiel commented and Alec breathed in reflexively reacting to Selaphiel’s desire for another taste of the coffee and pastry he was baking that hung in the air.

Alec smiled to himself. 

It was rare he got moments like these, never having the time or the energy to rise early when it wasn’t for training purposes or work. He was in one of the small kitchens dotted throughout the barracks portion of the Institute that those shadowhunters who took up residence within the Institute walls used when they wished to cook for themselves rather than eat in the Institute cafeteria. 

“I thought I owed you coffee Lightwood?” A voice questioned from behind him, breaking Alec from his scent induced stupor. 

The tall shadowhunter turned to see Aline leaning against the door frame. She had obviously recently woken, her hair still sleep mussed and down around her shoulders, loungewear rather than training clothes in place. 

Alec smiled around his cup. “Who says I’m sharing Penhallow?”

Aline moved into the small kitchen, sighing in pleasure at the smell of Alec’s morning efforts. “Unless you plan on giving yourself arrhythmia,” she waved her hand at the rather large carafe of coffee that was nearly full and sitting on top of a warming rune, “And what is that smell? Angel bless us! Did you bake something?”

Hazel eyes rolled at the incredulous tone. “I did, be nice or I won’t let you have any.” He stood from the small wooden table tucked into the corner of the room and passed by Aline as she helped herself to coffee, no cream but a few cubes of sugar and Alec shuddered at the blasphemy. He opened the oven and with a kitchen towel pulled out the fruit of his morning labor.

“Oh Angel,” Aline moaned as the smell wafted over them both. Alec laughed at her dramatics and motioned for her to sit. “If this is the kind of service you provide at the New York Institute, I’m never going home to Beijing.”

“Your mom would be less than thrilled with that,” Alec commented catching, Aline’s near flinch at the mention of her mother, but tactfully not saying anything, “I don’t bake often, can’t even remember the last time I had time like this to do so.”

Their conversation faded as Alec served them both a sticky bun, the pale orange icing dripping luxuriously down the sides of the buns as he topped them from the bowl he had ready and waiting on the counter. 

Aline groaned at the first bite. “You are going to make some girl very lucky someday Lightwood.” 

The bite he swallowed felt too big as his throat tightened. He cleared it with a gulp of coffee and tried for some humor, hoping Aline was too distracted to notice how her comment threw him. “I’m pretty hopeless in every way when it comes to relationships, don’t think I’ll find myself married for a long time.” Angel willing, the bargain he struck with Selaphiel would come due before he had to enter into a sham of a marriage. 

He felt Selaphiel shift in his mind, perturbed by the place Alec’s thoughts were going.

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Aline responded and the tension in her voice pulled Alec’s attention from his own thoughts. 

Aline’s dark eyes were serious as she leaned forward and her voice dropped in volume. “You know our families have been close, politically.” Alec nodded, something like dread sinking his peaceful morning high. Aline’s mother Jia was recently elected to the Clave Council, the legislative body made up of elected officials from different regions around the world with shadowhunter populations. “Your mother was the one who requested my transfer here. I didn’t get all the details from my father, but I got the picture that your mother and mine are hopeful that something more will happen between us during my time here.” 

Alec had to swallow harshly to push the bile that rose in his throat at the news of his mother’s scheming. It was so like her that he almost wanted to laugh. Aline’s parents were well connected and her father’s name in particular was an old one. He had lost some standing when he caused a bit of a scandal, marrying Aline’s mother Jia for love, despite being in a formal arranged courtship with another woman at the time. Jia’s political brilliance however overcame whatever turbulence her marriage caused and was currently the youngest person and a woman of color to boot to win a seat on the Clave Council. 

Their union would unite two of the old shadowhunter lines and solidify a direct connection to the political elite of the Clave for the Lightwood family. Alec wondered if his mother meant for Alec to run the Beijing Institute with Aline and leave the running of the New York Institute to Izzy or Max. It would no doubt fit with her ambitions to have two of the world’s largest Institutes run by the Lightwood name.

Not that it would ever happen. Never mind Alec’s own sexuality, he could never marry a woman who had something with his parabatai.

Alec never asked Jace or Aline what exactly was between them during their time at the Academy but he wasn’t blind to the flirting and the sneaking around. It was not a time Alec remembered fondly, one of his only friends outside of his siblings taking a romantic interest in Jace had fueled many a punishing training session in which he tried to kill his feelings of jealousy and self-disgust.

He was relieved when he graduated from the academy and put some distance between himself and Jace, afraid Jace was catching on to him despite doing his best to shut the bond down on his end. 

Aline’s fork scraping loudly against her now empty plate jolted Alec back to the present. He took another sip of coffee, focusing on Selaphiel’s pleasure at the taste to try and ground himself. 

Aline’s eyes were on her plate, a frown curving her brow. Alec wondered if his silence upset her. Aline never showed an interest in him and given her obvious interest in Jace, Alec felt it wasn’t something he would have missed. “I don’t think that is going to happen, despite their wishes,” Alec said quietly, voice firm. Despite whatever petty jealousy he felt towards her at one time, Aline was still his friend. She deserved someone who could fully appreciate her and that was certainly not Alec.

Aline looked up at him and Alec tried not to be insulted at the obvious relief in them. She inhaled shakily and managed a smile. “You were always a good friend Alec, I still remember how you looked out for me when we were younger. I, when Jace and I were being stupid, I remember how you reacted and I wasn’t sure…” 

Alec’s hazel eyes widened in realization. Aline thought he had feelings for her. Of course that was much more likely than Alec having feelings for his soon to be parabatai and adopted sibling.

“No,” Alec managed to get out, his voice hoarse. “That was, there was stuff going on you didn’t know about, it wasn’t really about you.” Aline looked at him carefully, as if trying to see if Alec was telling the truth. Whatever she saw on his face must have satisfied her because she nodded her acceptance at his words and chuckled.

“Good, that's good.”

Alec not being able to help himself voiced the question he was too cowardly to ask back then. “So, you and Jace, were you or are you two…” or perhaps he wasn’t ready. 

“Oh Angel no! We were just kids fooling around and-” she cut herself off sharply before she shook her head and continued, “Well, let's just say there was some stuff going on with me that you didn’t know about,” she said with a sardonic smile, mimicking his previous words. “There were never any feelings on my part and Jace’s too I don’t think.”

Alec didn’t let on that it didn’t particularly make him feel better to hear that. 

Their conversation turned away from the uncomfortable topic, to something they were both far more willing to talk about, work. They chatted amicably, swapping stories and comparing battles at the Institute began to come back to life and the sun climbed higher in the sky.

They had moved onto Aline’s duties and the key people in the Institute she could rely on or personalities she needed to tread carefully around when a dark head of curls poked around the corner of the kitchen door and caught Alec’s attention. 

“Stormfield,” he greeted before the engineer could turn around.

The notoriously shy, systems engineer stepped into the room, reluctance clear in the set of her shoulders. Stormfield boobed her head. “Lightwood, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“You’re not interrupting,” Alec told the skittish shadowhunter. Stormfield was straight out of the Academy, but a bit older than a normal recruit due to the extra studying her chosen field took. Alec had seen her file when he was looking over the new recruits a few months back with his father. Her field of study, systems engineering had greatly intrigued Alec. Her thesis was lauded by several of the top academic minds of Idris. Despite her academic success, she came from a well known family of close range fighting specialists and based on her personality Alec got the picture that her family didn’t approve of her non combat career path. He motioned to Aline. “This is Aline Penhallow, a combat unit leader from the Beijing Institute. Aline, this is Susannah Stormfield, systems engineer.”

Aline’s head dipped, “Well met.” 

Surprise flitted across Stormfield’s face before she returned Aline’s tidings.

“There’s coffee and sticky buns if you’d like,” Alec offered, motioning to the goods still laid out on the counter.

The female shadowhunter’s jaw dropped for a beat before she snapped out of her surprise and flushed heavily. “Thank you,” she responded, sounding far more affected than Alec thought the offer of coffee and a pastry merited. 

While the girl busied herself making the coffee, Alec plated another sticky bun. “Um, thanks again.” She smiled up at him when she took the plate, a blush still highlighting her pale skin. She backed out of the kitchen quickly, disappearing almost as quietly as she had come, leaving both Alec and Aline staring in bemusement.

The click of heels on the wooden floors of the hallway announced Izzy’s arrival. She blinked in surprise at the pair of them as Alec retook his seat at the table. “What’d you do to Stormfield? The girl nearly took me out in the hallway she was trying to get away from here so fast.”

“Alec spoke to her,” Aline answered, amusement with a touch of pity in the uptick of her lips. 

Izzy made a noise of comprehension as she made her morning concoction. Aline made a noise of disgust as her eyes cut from Izzy to Alec. He shrugged his shoulders in response. He never understood Izzy’s taste in anything, be it men, food or drink. 

“I’m surprised she didn’t pass out.”

“What?” Alec questioned, ignoring as Izzy poured store bought, shitty, chocolate sauce from the fridge over a sticky bun and began massacring it with a fork.

Aline’s face contorted in horror. She mumbled something that sounded like “How did I forget this about her,” under her breath.

Izzy ignored Aline’s comment and pointed her fork, dripping with brown goop at Alec. “She’s got a massive crush on you,” Izzy stated with an unspoken “duh” apparent in her voice.

“She does not,” Alec denied reflexively. Although it was rather obvious after their first few meetings that Stormfield was indeed infatuated with him. Alec felt bad though, not wanting to talk about the girl’s feelings openly. 

Izzy let out a long suffering sigh. “You see what I put up with,” she directed at Aline. “Now, on the one hand I have Alec.” she gestured to her brother, ignoring his glare. “Unaware to the point it is painful that he is stunningly attractive and that his quiet, brooding in the shadows schtick doesn’t make him invisible.” Alec’s noise of protest went unacknowledged “And on the other hand I have-” 

“Morning!” Jace greeted upon entering, bare chested with his pajama pants slung low on his hips, showing off the body he trained not only to be one of the Clave’s top fighters but also, as he put it with a nudge and a wink “get some”. 

“That,” Izzy finished with a pained sigh as Jace shoved a chair in between the two girls. 

“Aline.” Alec’s eyes narrowed. Did Jace really just wiggle his eyebrows? “Heard you and Iz went out last night. Maybe if you’re up for it tonight I could show you some of my favorite sights.” The eyebrow over his bicolored eye quirked in a way Alec assumed was meant to be suggestive.

The scene playing out in front of Alec was one he was used to and for the most part it was a show. Although Jace was far from chaste he wasn’t so brazen when he was actually interested in someone, even if that interest never seemed to extend past a single night. This was a game he played and a facade he put up around pretty much everyone except Izzy and Alec.

Despite their conversation that morning, Alec was expecting Aline to respond in kind but his friend leveled a steady albeit amused look at his parabatai. “The only sight we are going to see together is the training room today.”

Not having received the flirtatious energy he was expecting, Jace’s bravado melted away easily with a soft chuckle. The blonde shadowhunter stood to get his own coffee and noticed the last two sticky buns in the round pan. “Sweet! Alec baked.” Jace grabbed one and without a for or a plate took a massive bite before heading back out the kitchen door.

Aline looked momentarily stunned at the lack of manners or courtesy

Izzy just sighed and grabbed up everyone’s dishes and cleared them. 

“Thanks Iz.” Aline called. “You’re still joining us for training this morning correct?”

“Yep, I’ll be there, “ Izzy confirmed. 

Aline nodded with an apologetic look towards Alec. “Thanks for breakfast Alec.” Alec acknowledged her words with his own nod, but couldn’t bring himself to speak at the moment. He was grateful that it would be Aline leading his team but knowing she would be training with his people in preparation to go on patrol stung in a way he wasn’t really prepared for.

Resentment towards his own uselessness gathered in his stomach. Until the inquiry was concluded he wasn’t even allowed to resume any administrative tasks.

Izzy came to his side and nudged him with her hip, laying a hand over his shoulder. He leaned into her side, taking comfort from her silent support. He allowed himself a moment before straightening. 

“Well?” he asked as Izzy retook her seat.

She shook her dark head. “I had to wait to run the test till late last night. I should have the results this afternoon.” His sister’s deep brown eyes held questions of their own. “So, how was talking with Jace?” 

Alec bit down some not so nice words, settling for a grunt instead. He knew Izzy meant well, but he didn’t like talking about his feelings at the best of times and now certainly wasn’t even close to the best of times. 

His noncommittal grunt in answer was somehow translated by his sister to what actually happened. 

Izzy’s eyes rolled so hard Alec was surprised she didn’t appear to be in any pain. “You didn’t talk, you just did that emotion meldy Parabatai bullshit right?”

Alec chose to take a long pull from his coffee cup, which was disappointingly cold and ignored the question.

“Does Jace even understand what this might cost you?”

Alec felt the tenuous control on his tongue snap. “Do you? Do you understand? Do you even know all I’ve done?” Alec’s voice shook as he was swept away on a tide of anger, hurt and frustration. “All I’ve sacrificed, buried so I could fit this role of heir presumptive?” Izzy’s eyes were wide and wet and the bitterness in Alec’s heart scoffed at the sight. Of course she didn’t know. Alec’s barely noticed over the years. 

The extra studies when he was a child. The extra training when he was already bruised. The cold judgment when he settled on his chosen weapon, finally reaching for something he wanted. The forced meetings between himself and potential marriage candidates that made it perfectly clear that he would never have someone he could love. Just another piece of himself to give up for the family name. “And now none of it might be worth a damn thing,” his chest was tight as he let out a nearly hysterical chuckle. “Funny, isn’t it? All of mom and dad’s plans, all the work, and breaking myself to be what I needed to be and it's gone because Jace wanted to get laid and I couldn’t say no to him.” 

A sharp intake of breath pulled the two siblings out of their conversation. Jace’s face was the picture of self-loathing and something in Alec broke. He’d seen that expression on Jace’s face before and he never wanted to be the cause of it. “I thought we were okay?” Jace near whispered, eyes dropping to the floor.

Alec stood and crossed to his brother. He could feel the pain Jace was trying to mute. “We are,” Alec croaked and it wasn’t a lie. Denial swept through the bond. “We are,” he repeated more firmly. “But that doesn’t change the consequences that are going to come and,” for a second he thought of all the times he’d hidden or buried how he felt to save confrontation with Izzy or Jace. He just didn’t want to do it any more. “And us being okay doesn’t mean, I’m not allowed to feel upset about what’s happened and what it might mean for my future.” He turned on Izzy. “I’m not the one who has a problem with Jace.” 

Something like shame shadowed Izzy’s expression, but Alec didn’t let that touch him. He wanted them both to be alright, but whatever was broken between them wasn’t on him to fix. He left his two siblings to deal with each other. He wasn’t the only one in the family who had trouble communicating.

All the energy he had woken with that morning was gone and all he wanted was to crawl back into bed and bury himself in blankets. He didn’t give into the impulse and his feet took him to one of the back courtyards that held the forge. While Institutes were supplied new service blades by the Iron Sisters and specialty weapons made on commission, keeping the blades honed or the forging of adamas arrows was left to the resident armourer. 

The forge was cold and dark, which meant Pete, their armourer, a combat retired shadowhunter with one good eye and a raunchy sense of humor wasn’t around. There was work here he could do though and the lack of company was appreciated. 

He pulled a box of unruned arrows towards a bench, ignoring the damp chill in the morning air and set to work. He didn’t notice the sun crawl across the sky as arrow after arrow moved from the unruned box to his steadily growing pile of runed arrows.

‘You are devoted to your sister and parabatai,’ Selaphiel commented.

Alec didn’t respond intentionally or with any thought directed to the angel but the statement spawned a question.

‘Don’t you love your siblings? The other angels?’ The nephilim felt the angel’s confusion at the question. 

‘You have done much to keep them from harm, may it be physical or emotional.’ 

The angel had obviously been looking at his memories and Alec pushed back the resentment he felt. Given Selaphiel’s intrusion he wanted to press his own question, but knew he probably wouldn’t get an answer anyway. 

‘It’s always been my duty, I’m Izzy’s older brother and Jace is my parabatai, but…’ his thoughts drift to the angry, heartbroken kid Jace used to be.  
‘Your devotion is… admirable. It’s one of the reasons I chose you. Not everyone who prays does so with such selfless intentions.’

Alec wanted to refute the angel’s words. His prayer that night was anything but selfless. He wanted to give up, wanted to pass his duties, his burdens on to someone else. He didn’t want the angel’s admiration.

‘You are confusing.’

The distinct feeling that Selaphiel was pouting sent a ripple of humour through the shadowhunter. Alec continued his work in mental silence until another question struck him.

‘Are you still receiving prayers even now?’

The sound of ruffled feathers echoed through his mind. Selaphiel was… insulted? 

‘Of course. It is my duty. I will see it done until I fall or my existence ends.’ 

Alec understood that sentiment well, and offered up a wordless apology for unintentionally implying otherwise.

‘What’s that like.’ 

A cacophony of voices, whispered, spoken, screamed. A river of emotions, joy, bright and clean, fear, sharp and cold, despair, heavy and hollow, all going through him faster than he could name or process. He felt like he was drowning in it all and as suddenly as it came it stopped.

‘It would have been difficult to explain,’ Selaphiel offered as Alec sat still, dizzy with what he had just experienced and not quite sure he wouldn’t throw up with even the slightest movement.

‘How...how did you hear my prayer in all of that?’

Selaphiel was silent for a moment. ‘This is what I was made for. It is different for me but… you were quite loud.’

A bark of laughter escaped Alec’s mouth. Loud is not a descriptor attributed to him very often.

Footsteps announced the approach of another soul. 

“Dad?” Alec greeted, surprised to see his father out of the office or in the Institute at all. He made to stand, wincing at the soreness in his abdomen. 

“Alec,” Robert returned, coming over to the bench. He picked up a runed arrow and hummed approvingly at the runes that decorated it. “You always did have impeccable rune work.” 

Not always, Alec thought darkly. Not when he was seven and copying from the Book of Gray until his fingers ached, his back was so stiff he could barely stand and the sound of his father saying ‘again’ haunting his mind. “I can’t do much else until the inquiry is completed.”

Robert nodded. “I have news. Your tribunal has been selected.” 

Lead filled the younger shadowhunter’s stomach. “So, it is going to court then?” There was a chance the Inquisitor’s investigator wouldn’t decide to press the matter. He should have known he wasn’t going to be that lucky.

Robert grimmaced, his light blue eyes sharpening. “Yes, but while it’s both good news and bad I’m afraid. Your case will be judged by Johnathan Stormfield.” 

“A relation of Susannah Stormfield?” Alec questioned.

“Her great uncle, I believe. Though, I don’t know how much good it will do us. Stormfield has a reputation. He’s a bit of a wildcard. He can be harsh in his judgements, but he also resents the centralized authority of the Clave.” Robert looked around the courtyard before taking his stele out of his pocket and drawing a Silence rune on the bench. “The Inquisitor has it out for the Lightwood name.”

Alec opened his mouth to question his father but stopped at his father’s raised hand.

“Nothing you need to concern yourself with, bad blood, despite the fact we are distantly related.” He also didn’t point out that pretty much all old shadowhunter families were distantly related, or not so distantly, and you didn’t get much older than Herondale. “Stormfield is the best we could have hoped for. He’ll resent the Inquisitor for using her position and power for personal reasons. He also is the only one on the American Conclave’s council with a parabatai.” 

Something like hope bloomed in Alec’s throat. A judge who would not jump to deliver the Inquisitor’s recommendation and someone who understood the sway of the parabatai bond? It was almost too good to be true. 

“That’s good,” Alec managed to get out. 

His father nodded and looked as if he was going to speak again but decided not to.

“What is it?” Alec asked.

Robert shook his head. “How is your recovery coming?”

Alec wondered at the change in topic and what his father stopped himself from saying. “Batonvert remains positive that I’ll fully recover. He said I will possibly return to a conditioning regime in a week. Combat training in two to three if that goes well. Active duty once Hodge deems me fit.” 

“Good.” 

Silence settled over the pair and Alec fumbled for what to say. He couldn’t remember the last time he and his father spoke to each other beyond Institute business or Robert asking after Max or Isabelle. There was a definite shift in the elder Lightwood’s treatment of Jace after he became Alec’s parabatai. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec began. “I’m sorry for what my actions have brought upon our family.” He sunk his teeth into his lip as he felt the sensation of feathers against his arms, as if wings were wrapped around his shoulders. 

Robert looked at him with sharp blue eyes before he shook his head and turned away from Alec. 

Alec locked his hands behind his back to force himself not to reach out for his father. 

“You know, the older you get, the more you realize the things you thought you knew, the things you felt were important are just-” he waves a hand as he sets down the arrow, returning it to the pile. “You were always so serious as a child,” his father’s voice was soft. “I remember your grandmother saying once that a seelie must have switched you out with a changeling because you were a child going on forty.” He chuckled. “And while you weren’t necessarily talented when it came to combat,” Alec couldn’t help the flinch at the critical comment, “you more than made up for it in the work you put in to correct any deficiencies.” 

It was almost praise, Alec thought bitterly.

“You know, I think the only time I heard you laugh after six years of age was when you were with Isabelle, and then Max and Jace.” There was something regretful in the older shadowhunter’s tone. “You always looked out for them to an almost zealous degree. Kept Isabelle and Jace out of almost all trouble they managed to get themselves into.” 

Alec’s sharp intake of breath, a show of surprise caused Robert to smile sharply.

“Did you really think your mother and I didn’t realize? She wanted to stop you from doing it, but I told her no, that a leader must take responsibility for the actions of those he leads as if they were his own. I thought it would be a lesson for you.” 

Bitterness swept through Alec and resentment burned in its wake as he remembered all the times he was punished for Izzy and Jace’s unruly behavior. “They weren’t soldiers under my command, they were my siblings.” His voice was cutting, soaked in repressed anger. 

“Yes, but you were always going to lead them eventually. I thought you would eventually be able to instill some discipline in them.” 

He couldn’t silence his tongue. “And you didn’t think that was your job?” 

If Robert took offense at his tone, he didn’t show it. “How could I when you protected them at every turn?” 

Alec let out a slightly hysterical laugh. “Oh it's my fault you decided you didn’t need to be a father.” 

Those blue eyes narrowed, but his father didn’t rise to the insult. “I will admit that some of our current situation is my making. I should have checked Jace sooner. The boy has always been reckless and while your mother had hopes that the two of you bonding would temper that, I have always had my reservations.” 

“You never had a problem with Jace until he became my parabatai. Why? Taking the oath is one of the highest honors. You were parabatai with his father-”

“Don’t speak of Michael!” Robert took a step forward, his face twisting in anger.

“Angel forbid anyone ever do. You won’t even tell Jace about his father, a terrible one he might have been.” 

Robert grabbed at his son’s shirt and pulled him slightly forward. It didn’t catch Alec off guard. His father hadn’t been an active combat hunter in years and the move was clearly telegraphed. “Michael was-” he cut himself off, blowing out a forceful breath and releasing Alec. “I don’t know what became of Michael to raise his son in such a manner,” Alec snorted at the irony of his father passing judgment on how someone else raised their kid. “But he wasn’t like that before. When Jace came to us I hadn’t seen Michael in almost thirteen years.” 

Robert scrubbed at his face as he turned away again, putting distance between himself and Alec. 

Alec reeled from the idea. He and Jace were separated after the parabatai ceremony when Alec graduated and spent a little over a year touring on temporary assignments with other Institutes. It was a difficult time. The distance when the bond was fresh was a constant ache. He couldn’t imagine staying away from Jace for thirteen years.

“What happened? What happened between the two of you?” 

Robert shook his head. “I don’t wish Jace to know this. He...he didn’t know his mother, but she was a sweet woman, some radical ideas, but a sweet woman.”

Alec frowned, wondering what Jace’s mother had to do with it. 

“Michael came to me before his wedding. He and Eliza had been friends in the Academy but their marriage was a surprise. Eliza’s family wasn’t popular within the Clave due to their relationship and tolerance of Downworlders and the Wayland name has always been respected.” 

“Maybe it was love,” Alec said tongue heavy with the word. His father’s suggestion that all marriage be made for political alliance and betterment of a name while not unexpected reminded him of the expectation hanging over his own head.

Robert swallowed audibly. “It wasn’t love. At least not the kind you would expect.” His father sighed, arms crossing. “Michael said he couldn’t go through with the marriage without telling me that he had...feelings for me.” 

Alec’s hazel eyes widened and he tried to draw breath, but his throat was closing. 

“I turned away from him, told him he was unnatural and disgusting,” the older shadowhunter bit out the words, too caught up in his memories to see the damage his words were doing to his son.

‘Breathe Alec,’ Selaphiel’s voice settled like a balm upon his panicked mind. 

“It’s one of my greatest regrets. How, I treated him. Our bond, it shattered that day. When he died, I didn’t feel it.”

There was nothing that Alec wanted more than to be away from his father at that moment, but he needed to know. His voice broke as he tried to speak, “Do- Do you still feel that way? About him?” ‘About me.’

Robert’s blue eyes met his hazel, and Alec could see the regret clear on his face. “No, no, I was young and there were...other things happening at the time that were clouding my judgement.” Robert looked contemplative. “He didn’t tell me because he wanted something from me. I realize that now. He told me because he wanted to be honest with me, with someone he loved.” His father sat heavily down on the workbench. “I didn’t understand that until... well, until I understood it.” 

It wasn’t the answer Alec was looking for, but he didn’t think he could be more specific in his question. 

“Our history teaches us that to become parabatai, to share your soul with someone is an honor and one of our greatest weapons. Some of the greatest warriors in history were parabatai.” Robert gestured for Alec to sit, which he did stiffly and as far away from his father as possible. “What no one speaks of is that very few parabatai bonds stay intact. Those who don’t lose their parabatai in battle often lose them to time. You barely know yourself at the age you take the oath. People grow, change, become distant. It wasn’t just Michael and I who ended the way we did. I didn’t want that for you.”

It was a relief. Alec had always wondered if Robert knew about his sexuality, or even his feelings for Jace and that was why he was dismissive of their bond. 

“So what was he like?” 

“What?” Robert asked, surprised by Alec’s sudden change in direction.

“The way Michael raised Jace, you said it wasn’t like him. So what was he like?” 

Something soft came about Robert’s features. “He was kind. Not outgoing, quiet. He took his time in all things. He wanted to restore his family’s ancestral craft. Was good at it too. He was the truest friend I’ve ever had. Even if we grew apart, disagreed on things. I knew he would have been there for me if I needed him.” The grief in his voice reminded Alec of Jace. “I don’t know if it was Eliza’s death, or, Angel let it not be so, but our bond breaking that changed him.” 

To love is to destroy. 

Jace didn’t often talk about Michael, but Alec had heard that saying from Jace’s lips more than once. What would have happened to Jace if Alec had died that night? 

His cell phone trilled in his pocket, Alec unlocked it seeing the message was from Izzy and noticing just how late in the day it had become. She must have gotten Jace’s blood work results. 

Robert caught on to the message being something Alec had to attend to because he waived his hand. “Go, I’ll put these away for you.” 

Alec hesitated as he stopped at the entrance to the Institute, looking back at his father’s figure which hadn’t moved. His father had never appeared so small before, shoulders hunched with the regret and grief that he did an admirable job burying. Alec turned away.

‘You plan on telling Jace, despite your father’s wishes,’ Selaphiel observed as the nephilim made his way back through the Institute’s halls towards where his siblings were waiting for him.

‘Michael was Jace’s father. He deserves to know and I won’t keep this from him.’

Selaphiel was silent after that but Alec could tell the angel was confused. Not that Alec was any different. The emotional whiplash his father’s revelations inspired left him feeling hollowed out. He hoped that whatever Izzy had found out it answered more questions than it left. He should have known that was just wishful thinking. 

A wave of disgust, anger and fear swept through him, making his stomach swoop in like he was in free fall. Jace. Alec increased his pace until his abdomen protested. The door opened to Jace’s devastated face and they both reached for each other at the same time. Jace pulled him into the room as Alec pushed. 

“What is it?” Alec questioned gently, not letting go of Jace. He glanced at Izzy, who looked worriedly at Jace. “What did you find Izzy?”

Izzy hesitated. “Tell him,” Jace demanded hoarsely. 

“It’s...complex Alec,” Izzy warned. “I don’t quite understand the results, how they’re possible myself.”

Jace let out a near hysterical laugh. “Rip the bandage off Izzy. I’m not nephilim.” 

Alec gripped Jace’s forearm where they were connected harder, as if keeping a hold of Jace kept him from falling apart, kept them both from falling apart. “I don’t understand.”

“Jace’s blood results didn’t make sense so I compared it to yours. Jace’s blood, the content of it, the cells themselves, their structure. It’s not like nephilim blood.” 

Alec shook his head. “He takes runes, can use a stele. Izzy, what are you saying?” Jace was spiraling. Alec grabbed the back of his neck pulling his face up so he could look into Jace’s eyes. He poured himself into the bond. “This changes nothing,” he whispered to Jace. “Nothing.”

“This goes way beyond what I know or understand and it isn’t like there are books written on this, but from what I could see and my gut, I’d say Jace was exposed to angel blood at some point and it changed him, made him more similar to an angel, but Jace I told you. You are nephilim.”

Jace’s blonde head shook. “You said it yourself Iz, not nephilim blood.” 

Izzy exhaled a noise of frustration. “Not like the nephilim of today.” Izzy stepped to them, putting a hand on both of her brothers. “Bear with me, this is a bit of a theory. The DNA studies we have of some of the first shadowhunters suggest over time nephilim have changed at the DNA level. The structure was never human nor angelic but something in between the two. But if you compare my DNA to that of Johnathan Shadowhunter there would be a resemblance but it wouldn’t match up.” 

“So what about those most recently turned by the cup?” 

Izzy nodded understanding Alec’s question and the thought it came from. “I went there too. Luckily the last shadowhunter line created by the cup before it was lost was Sibisi.”

“Tohren?” Alec breathed out. Tohren Sibisi another fresh recruit who had just finished his Institute sponsored training that Alec had taken out several times on his patrol team. 

“Thankfully, unlike some people, he is responsible about getting lab work done after he’s injured in the field and I pulled a recent report.” Both Alec and Jace ignored the dig. “He’s second generation, closest to actually drinking from the cup we have access to.”

“And?” Jace asked with impatience snapping in his voice. 

“Because he’s second generation I can’t say conclusively but based on all the evidence it suggests that for some reason the shadowhunters the cup creates have the same DNA structure as the ones being born today to already established lines.”

“Angel be damned Iz, what does that mean?” Jace near shouted and Alec glanced at the door to see the Silence rune burning in place.

His mind was also firing trying to figure out what Izzy’s findings were suggesting.

“I don’t know exactly, but Jace’s irregular DNA couldn’t have been the result of him being directly from a newer shadow hunter line or from being reborn by the cup itself.”

Jace snorted. “I think I would have remembered drinking from the Mortal Cup which, may I remind you, was lost when I was a year old.” 

Izzy rolled her eyes. “It was a possibility that needed to be ruled out. Your DNA more closely resembles shadowhunters born during the era of Rebirth.”

Alec nodded in understanding. “So now that it has been ruled out what possibilities are we left with?”

“Putting aside that the shadowhunters born or even reborn today aren’t like those that Raziel originally created, I would say the only explanation is that Jace was at some point exposed to pure Angel blood.” 

“Damnit, we already knew that!” Jace growled, tearing away from Alec and stalking to the window. “Why am I different though, why don’t I just have angel blood in me like Alec does?”

Izzy rolled her eyes at Jace’s theatrics. “First, the whole nephilim having angel blood and warlocks having demon blood is a complete misnomer. We don’t have two blood types in us, human and angel. We have one type of blood that reflects our heritage of angel and human. For some reason your blood which again is neither human nor angel is not like that of modern nephilim. Second, Selaphiel,” she gestured at Alec, “said you were exposed to angel blood but that doesn’t mean it’s why your DNA is like this.”

‘Could she be right?’

Selphiel made a noise of consideration Alec vaguely recognized as being similar to his own. ‘Perhaps, but it is more probable that the two are linked. I determined that Jace must have been given angel blood because it is the only way I know of angelic grace being bestowed, which I can sense in him, though it is limited. The angelic power nephilim normally bear is a dilution of this.’

Alec relayed this to his siblings.

Izzy looked as if she was about to explode with questions.

Jace spoke first. “And she doesn’t know who the angel was?” Alec could tell Jace did not want to acknowledge that he had in him at the time.

The dark haired nephilim shook his head already feeling the angel’s answer.

“Could they still be on earth?” Jace asked. “I don’t see an angel just walking around giving out their blood.”

‘An angel would have had to have permission from the creator to do such a thing as Raziel did when he was charged with creating your race.’

Alec took in a sharp breath. “So someone got a hold of angel blood, most likely by force and then gave it to Jace.” He didn’t need to look at either of his siblings to know they were alarmed by the idea.

‘It is possible that an angel was given the task by the creator but unlikely. Angels have fallen in battle before and been captured.’

Alec again spoke for Selaphiel.

“Who would do such a thing?” Izzy whispered. 

Jace shook his head. “More like who could. I can’t imagine angels are easy to take down.”

‘It would not be as difficult as one of your kind would think. We are not all powerful. Depending when we were created and what for, we may have no experience or skill in combat.’

“Is there anything else that you can tell Iz?” Alec questioned.

Izzy sighed. “I think at this point based on how Alec, your DNA hasn’t changed from exposure to angel blood, I’d say Jace’s exposure had to have come either when he was younger, or been prolonged.”

Alec ran a hand through his hair as he attempted to process everything. “So either my, shit, my DNA is going to change because of Selaphiel’s blood or I’m too old for it to affect me?”

Izzy nodded. “But I’m forming conclusions from very little data.”

“You’re guessing,” Jace said bitterly. “Just say that.”

‘Selaphiel?’ Alec questioned. Wondering if the angel could clear this up. ‘Do you know anything that could help us make sense of this?’

‘Omniscience is not an ability angels possess.’

‘So you don’t know if any other angels have been to earth in the last twenty years?’

‘We all have our own duties. Some of those duties include coming to this realm. I haven’t heard of an angel dying or falling recently so whoever’s blood Jace was exposed to, that altered him, the angel is alive.’ 

While Alec’s attention was turned inward Izzy and Jace continued to snipe at one another.

“Enough!” They stopped at Alec’s sharp word. “We need to figure out when Jace was exposed. Iz?”

“There isn’t any way to tell.”

Jace crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. “Well, I think it isn’t likely that it happened after we became parabatai. I noticed Selaphiel’s presence through the bond after you were out of danger. Plus, it would have been when I was younger than sixteen right?” 

Izzy sat on her bed and picked up a notebook she had tossed there, flipping it open as Alec passed her a pen from the desk he was closest to. “I think so but as you pointed out, this is all guesswork.” She drew a line on the page and some hash marks. “So from zero to about ten you were raised by your dad in Idris right?” Jace nodded. “From then on you spent your time between here and the Academy in Idris.”

“And at sixteen Alec and I became parabatai, but I think I would have remembered if I somehow got angel blood in me.” 

Izzy made a noise of agreement. “Unless you didn’t,” she countered.

“A warlock?” Alec questioned, following Izzy’s train of thought. “Why-” 

Izzy cut him off. “There’s no point in asking ‘why’ when we don’t even know if it happened.” She tapped the paper with her pen. “Either Jace was exposed too young to remember, potentially even his mother or father being the source of exposure, he was slipped it in some way unknowingly, or the memory of the exposure was taken from him. There were times that’s possible between our schedules here and at the Academy, never mind someone’s possible motivations in doing so.” 

“There is another possibility,” Alec determined. “Selphiel said angels visit earth to complete duties. That no angel has died or fallen recently.” He glanced at Jace. “We need to consider that maybe this was something an angel did.” 

“Why?” Jace whispered. 

Alec shrugged not having an answer to that question. “Like Izzy said. We need to figure out how, when and potentially who first.” 

Izzy looked troubled, her lips pressed together but she nodded her agreement with Alec’s assessment. “We know the blood changed you, but there doesn't seem to be any negative side effects. If we know when the exposure occurred, it may tell us if the changes caused are complete and what this might mean for Alec’s exposure.” 

‘I do not believe my blood in you will cause harm, although now I’m not sure it won’t have some sort of effect.’ 

Alec didn’t directly tell the angel that her words weren’t comforting but he doubted she meant them to be.

Jace shook his head with a sigh. “I can barely keep up with you two, so what do we do next?”

Alec’s eyes met Izzy’s. “We find a warlock.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lawdy that was a lot. Like it, hate it, confused (me too)? Comment let me know!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which some answers are found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own anything and I don’t make any money from this. Please leave me a comment and let me know what you think. Thank you to everyone who has and to those that have given kudos as well! Again apologies for any formatting issues. I’m posting through my phone so, yeah.

Alec was enjoying Selaphiel’s negative reactions to the lunch food in the mess hall when a tray was set down on his left side. The mess was mostly empty at this point, the lunch crowd already cleared out. He turned wondering who it might be because neither of his siblings was currently in the Institute and Aline was out in the city this afternoon. 

The grizzled and bearded face of Oliver Swiftfoot sent a shiver of not fear, because Alec was not afraid of the man, but discomfort down his spine. “Commander,” he greeted his back automatically straightening and his face muting. 

Swiftfoot nodded in response. As the older nephilim was superior in rank there wasn’t a need for him to actually greet Alce verbally. A pair of sponsors sitting at the far end of the table cleared off with a single look from Swiftfoot. “While I feel anything worth saying should be able to be said in front of anyone, I want us both to be comfortable enough to speak freely,” Swiftfoot explained.

Alec blinked, stomach suddenly turning into a ball of dread. The older nephilim didn’t explain further but instead took a bite of the vegetable medley that Selaphiel found rather tasteless and uninspiring. He watched the man out of the corner of his eye, wondering what exactly was happening. Swiftfoot, the Institute’s Commander of Field Operations never made a point to speak with Alec beyond what was required. In Head meetings that Alec attended to assist his parents or in his parent’s stead Swiftfoot made it quite clear that he didn’t approve of Alec’s presence. 

“You were just a kid when I transferred in and took the position of Commander here. My predecessor warned me before retiring that the Lightwoods were looking to turn the NYI into a dynasty Institute and I thought ‘not while I was CoFO.’”

Alec winced. Dynasty Institutes were the Institutes whose leadership was controlled and passed through the generations of a family. While the appointment of Head of an Institute needed to gain formal majority approval of the regional Enclave Council and informal approval of the Consul of the Clave, in the case of dynasty institutes this approval was usually bought off or there simply wasn’t a strong enough alternative.

“When you finished your internship tour and ended up back here, I told myself I would treat you like anyone else. You wouldn’t get any special treatment because your parents were Head. Not from me.”

The sounds of the cafeteria faded as Alec tried to see where exactly the man was going and why.

“I admit, I may have at times been more distant, harsher when you needed correcting.” He took a bite of soup and made a contemplative sound. “You are an excellent field operative, but you are an even better unit leader.” The younger man’s stomach swooped at the praise. “From your reports, debriefs and personnel choices, I can tell you see the whole system but also are observant enough to catch the details that make a difference.” 

Alec fought to keep any reaction off his face. It was everything he had always wanted to hear, but not from the people he most wanted to hear it from. 

“You have a natural confidence in the field that puts your people at ease and unlike a lot of other young hunters from Idris royalty you know when to listen to those who follow you.” He set his fork down and wiped his mouth with a napkin. “I’ve had several of your unit members come forward and express their concern over whether or not you’ll be coming back.”

It was like a slap in the face. Losing the prospect of headship was one thing, but never returning to his unit, field work? Alec scrambled to keep the devastation inspired by the mere suggestion he wouldn’t be able to go back to his job. “Will I?” he asked, trying to keep his voice steady even if the floor below him felt like it was shifting. 

The man’s piercing grey eyes looked directly at him. “What would you decide if you were me?”

Alec pushed away his tray and thought quickly. “I broke procedure. It was a routine two man patrol in a low priority area. If I was CoFO I would formally reprimand both men if the decision was mutual. It would be a strike against both to forever be considered if they came up for promotion. If, like me one of them was a unit leader and it was the first strike, I would see if there were concerns from his or her team. If there were no concerns I would leave it at the reprimand.”

Swiftfoot’s face did not betray any reaction to his suggestion. “And would you have recommended this incident for the Inquisitor’s office?”

Alec twitched. “No, if this was an isolated incident, I believe it should be handled at the level of the Institute.” 

The older nephilim leaned back into his seat. “Which is exactly what I planned, but someone went over my head and reported it.” Swiftfoot leaned toward him. “You know if your last name wasn’t Lightwood this wouldn’t be happening.”

Alec nodded. “I’d like to think I’m not a fool.” 

He instantly regretted his quick tongue but the older man chuckled. “You’re no fool Lightwood, but you do have a glaring blind spot, or should I say two glaring blind spots.”

It was not a subtle reference to his siblings and Alec bit down the instinctual need to defend them. Jace, despite his prowess on the battlefield tended to rub people the wrong way. They were parabatai which meant that they were almost always together and Alec managed him well enough, but he knew others in his unit didn’t care to work with the blonde on two-man patrols. Izzy was the consummate professional when working with the unit, but she at times would use the Lightwood name to throw around weight that her rank didn’t support. 

Swiftfoot continued, “I’ve served in seven Institutes since I was certified for combat duty. I’ve worked under Heads who couldn’t find their own asses with a map and Heads who were competent in their jobs.” He raised a finger to point at Alec. “You have the potential to be a more than competent Head.” 

The confidence with which the statement was spoken punched the breath out of Alec’s lungs. Swiftfoot was a solid leader and Alec respected him greatly. For the man, who had never betrayed anything more than quiet approval of Alec’s work to say so such a thing. It was more than he could process at the moment. 

Alec cleared his throat, trying to reign in his elation as he knew there was something else in Swiftfoot’s words. “I’m sensing a ‘but’ coming.”

The man gave him a teeth baring grin, which was a little terrifying considering Alec served under the man for almost three years and could count the number of times the man smiled on one hand. “You certainly are no fool. You could be more than competent but you need to get your head out of your ass and start thinking beyond your own family’s reputation.” He swept his hand around the room to the few straggling shadowhunters. “You want Head? Start showing you care more about this Institute and the shadowhunters who live and work here than you do the Lightwood name.”

The words cut. All his life, his parents demanded everything he could give and more for the Lightwood name. There were days where all he felt like he was to them was a vessel for an Angel be damned name. 

“Your parents have had control of this place for nearly two decades. What have they changed? Made progress on? What have they done other than keep status quo and kiss the Clave’s ass?” 

The younger man’s fingers twitched. These weren’t questions he hadn’t thought of before, spitballing ideas with Izzy and Jace, or even a few other shadowhunters who he trusted enough to openly discuss things. Only to be shot down when he proposed, even the most thought out of plans for improvement to his parents. 

Even when his parents asked for his help on something they still seemed to fight him every step of the way. Susannah Stormfield was just one of many examples. His father asked him to help select recent Academy graduates to offer positions in the Institute too. She had immediately caught his eye. Systems engineering, a relatively new concept to the Shadow World but one Alec, once he read up on the field thought could bring about real change. Alec fought for her recruitment because he saw exactly what Swiftfoot was getting at. The NYI was not failing, but it was far from performing optimally. 

After being onboarded, Alec recommended she evaluate each department for the purpose of identifying issues that then could be discussed and hopefully solutions found that would improve the Institute’s functioning. What had his mother assigned her to? A paper pusher for their Officer of Resource Management.

He’d spent a long sparring session with Jace working out his frustration on that one.

‘You do wish to be Head of the Institute.’ Selaphiel concluded. ‘Not just for the recognition it would bring you but because you would have the power to make change.’ 

Alec nodded absently. He did want to be Head. It may have started out as an expectation, but it wasn’t about that anymore. Which was what made the possibility of not having the opportunity all the more devastating. “You really think I have a shot at the position still? Even after all this?” 

Something dark passed through Swiftfoot’s eyes. “I’ve learned never to bet against a Lightwood to make through shit and come out the other side smelling like a rose.” 

Alec wasn’t sure about the context of the comment, but that didn’t stop him from the instinctual offense the acidic comment provoked. It must have shown on his face because the other shadowhunter pointed at him again. 

“That right there. Kill it. You’re a Lightwood. One of the oldest shadowhunter lines to still exist. You’re well connected by virtue of blood ties and political alliances that stretch back decades if not centuries. You had a spot at the Academy since birth. Have you worked hard your entire life for the skills you have? Yes, but you’ve also had every single advantage afforded to you by right of a name. Don’t get pissed when people point it out.”

The chastisement burned and Alec cursed his pale skin because he knew twin spots were glowing red on his cheeks like hot metal pulled from a smith’s forge. 

Swiftfoot wasn’t done. “You’re probably going to get this Institute even with this strike against you. Could you imagine a no name hunter, Academy trained or not would be able to do the same?”

Pain flared in his mouth as his teeth dug into the soft flesh of an inner cheek as he focused on keeping back his instinctual defensiveness when people dragged his name up. It was something that was thrown at him in the Academy from every direction. When he wasn’t good enough at something he was a disappointment for a Lightwood. When he excelled it was only on the virtue of his name.

Rationally he knew Swiftwood was right. Even of the non dynasty Institutes, there were only two he could think of that weren’t led by so called Idris royalty. Those two were headed by families who were married into royalty.

The younger shadowhunter wondered not for the first time during this interaction what the purpose was of Swiftwood coming and speaking to him. While the man might be known for his candor, he wasn’t known to speak idly. “What do you want from me?” Swiftoot wasn’t the only known for candor. 

Approval showed in those grey eyes. Swiftfoot leaned back in his chair again, lanky frame relaxed. “See that’s why you’re going to make a good Head.” The older shadowhunter didn’t elaborate on the comment but set about answering Alec’s question. “I won’t bore you with theories of leadership, I know you got enough of that at the Academy. I’ll just leave you with this. The most competent Heads I served under had a few things in common, but the one I found to be most important was trust. They trusted those under them to do their jobs and in return those under them trusted their Head would do right by them.” Swiftfoot’s grey eyes bored into his hazel. “So when the time comes I want you to ask yourself this. Who do you trust? Who do you trust to send out your shadowhunters every night and make sure they come home. Who do you trust to heal them? Who do you trust to keep the books so they have what they need to do their jobs?” 

Alec remembered Jace excitedly talking about taking over as Commander of Field Operations when his parabatai became Head. As if Alec could just instate him regardless of Jace’s rank or actual ability to do the job. At the time he had just smiled approvingly at the idea, but now…

“You keep yourself to yourself, your sister and your parabatai. Which is fine. I know you do right by your unit members. You don’t need to have personal relationships with every soul that passes through this place, but when you’re Head of the Institute, every active duty shadowhunter, all the support personnel that have never touched a seraph blade outside their basic training, will become yours. Headship isn’t a one man show. Figure out who you trust to help you.” The man unfolded his long frame that rivaled Alec’s from the chair. “Hurry up and heal. I like Penhallow, I hope we can convince her to stay on after this assignment, Angel knows we could use her, but your team is eager for your return.” 

With that Swiftfoot cleared his tray and left. 

‘That man was confusing,’ Selaphiel commented.

Alec didn’t respond. He was light headed. He felt the eyes of the few other nephilim in the mess on him. Focusing on his breathing, measuring the inhale and exhale, Alec picked up his own tray and cleared it and walked in forcefully, unhurried steps to sanctuary away from it all. 

‘Alec?’ Selaphiel’s voice was soft, humming gently through the static of his thoughts. ‘What is it?’ 

He couldn’t respond though. His body moved on autopilot through the halls as quickly as possible without appearing like he was running from something. Every face he passed on the way just reinforcing what Swiftfoot told him. 

After bursting through the door to the roof, he let himself collapse against the bricks. Instead of static, the sounds of the city filled his ears as he tried to find some footing as another wave of anxiety ripped through him, sending his measured breathing into chaos.

The humid air of summer felt almost wet against his skin and in his lungs. The bricks against his back were rough as they brushed roughly against him with every inhale. ‘All of them,” he thought. ‘I’d be responsible for all of them. Not just Jacy and Iz, the rest of my unit. All of them.’

Selaphiel’s feathers rustled. ‘You are afraid. This is fear.’ 

Alec let out a huff at the wonder in the angel’s voice. ‘Yes.’

Seconds passed as Alec looked out at the city around them. Wondering not for the first time what it would be like to be mundane. 

Selaphiel made a noise in his mind he’d come to recognize as her way of expressing distaste. ‘I don't like it.’

The boy’s dark head tipped back, hitting the bricks with a thud. He barely felt the pain. ‘Me either.’ 

‘You want to lead but you also fear it.’

‘Wouldn't you? It’s always been this abstract idea, me being Head. I never really thought about how it would feel if it actually happened, what it would mean. The way Swiftfoot talked about it, so sure that I would eventually take the position.’ His thought broke off, becoming a jumbled mixture of emotion. He shook his head. ‘It doesn’t matter though does it? I keep forgetting no matter the outcome of this trial I don’t actually have a future.’ 

‘What do you mean?’ 

The confusion in her voice burned him. ‘Once you leave me I’m a dead man,’ he shot at her swallowing down the guilt he felt over the pain he knew he would cause Izzy and Jace. ‘That was the deal. I stay alive until you decide you’ve got this whole human thing figured out and stop falling.’ 

Selaphiel was silent in his mind. 

‘Right?’ 

He could feel her twitch. ‘Are you nervous?’ he asked not even sure the angel could feel something so human, but easily recognizing it couldn’t be anything else.

‘I may have obfuscated on what will happen when I untangle myself from your soul.’

The betrayal was a cold burn deep in his chest, but he didn’t understand why it caught him by surprise. Selaphiel didn’t save his life just because she could. She saved him for a reason, because she wanted something from him. ‘You were going to let me die or leave me to my fate if I survived why let me believe I would die after I already said yes?’

Selaphiel appeared before him. He knew it was just a projection of her and that if he reached out to touch the coppery brown wing that shone almost bronze in the late afternoon sun his hand would pass right through it. Her brown eyes held his hazel. ‘Your people believe angels to be these all powerful beings, bound by our natures to do good based on a morality system that you have created. We are not.’ She crouched down, wings fanning open to avoid dragging across the ground. It would have filled them with awe if he wasn’t caught up in his thoughts and his anger.

‘That doesn’t answer my question.’

Selaphiel nodded. ‘I’m getting to that. This,’ she gestured between them, ‘was possible and continues to be possible because you allow it to be. A soul is a powerful thing, yours I would say even more so than others. If I told you the truth I was not sure if you would continue to allow me to share it.’

Alec let his head back drop again, closing his eyes. Angel, everything was so messed up. Here he was, sharing his soul with an angel. Jace was a mystery, something more than nephilim. His footing at the institute was shaky and somehow at the same time everything he wanted career wise seemed actually possible. 

He just needed it to stop for a few moments so he could breathe. 

The door of the roof banged open. Alec didn’t bother standing but the noise jolted him forward, Selaphiel’s visage vanishing. 

He wasn’t surprised when Jace sank down next to him. The parabatai bond hummed and Alec felt grounded again. He must have been bleeding into the bond because his brother sat closer than normal, shoulder to shoulder. Alec relaxed into the brick behind him.

“Bellefluer mentioned seeing you and the commander talking in the mess. When you weren’t in your rooms, I knew you’d be up here.” 

Alec nodded, pulling his knees up to his chest. “I don’t want to talk about it.” 

“Good, neither do I,” Jace returned.

The taller shadowhunter snorted. “So how did it go?”

“Bane is a jackass.” 

Alec smirked at the real annoyance in Jace’s voice. He wanted to go with his siblings to visit the High Warlock and see if Jace’s memory had been tampered with, but both of his siblings demanded he remain at the Institute, worried that if something were to happen Alec’s injuries compromised his safety. 

“A powerful jackass, but a jackass all the same,” Jace amended with a look from Alec. “He said if someone messed with my mind, that they did so without leaving a detectable trace, which he said was highly unlikely.”

Alec bobbed his head. “You know what we have to do then.”

Jace blew out a breath. “Yeah, I know. I just… I never wanted to go back there ya know. I haven’t been back since.” There was a pause before he shook his head. “Fuck this maudlin shit.” Jace came to his feet. “If we’re going to do it, let’s do it.”

Alec frowned. “Now?” 

The other shadowhunters mismatched eyes rolled and Alec didn’t resist the urge to kick his shin. Jace stepped out of Alec’s reach after the first hit. “Asshole. Yeah, I have tonight off and Iz is free too after she finishes her shift in the lab I think. We can go now and poke around, Izzy can join us later.” 

“Beats sitting in the Institute feeling sorry for myself,” Alec agreed. “Grab some food from the mess for dinner, I’ll make the request to use the portal room.” 

Jace nodded and left the roof without another word. 

‘You want to stay with me and stop falling?’ Alec asked the angel in his mind. He felt Selaphiel’s affirmative response. ‘Help me, us figure this out. You do that, you can stay with me as long as you need to.’ 

He didn’t wait for an answer, knowing the angel would accept the deal. 

____________________________________________________________________________

Only an hour later the parabatai found themselves outside of the overgrown front yard of the Wayland family’s ancestral manor. Alec could practically feel Jace vibrating next to him. He put his hand on his brother’s shoulder. “You sure about this?” 

Jace’s blonde head nodded. “Yeah, let's just get it over with.” 

When they reached the front door Selaphiel called out. ‘There are active wards.’ Alec grabbed Jace, yanking him back from where he was about to open the door. “Selaphiel said the place is warded.”

“That can’t be possible. It’s been empty since the day my dad died. Robert brought me to pick up some stuff and I never came back.”

“You sure?” 

“Yeah, I’m the last Wayland, the estate is mine and I’ve never done anything with it.” 

‘It’s warded. The magic is weak, it has been some time and without souls within the warded area to pull energy from they are decaying.’ 

‘Can you get us through?’ Alec asked. 

‘Put your hand on the door.’ Alec did as she commanded. The wood was warm against his palm, he frowned. It was almost evening and the sun hadn’t shone on this part of the house in some time. ‘That warmth is the wards. You are probably more sensitive to magic now. My power is your power. Break them.’

Alec blinked. ‘How? I don’t know what I’m doing.’

“Alec?” Jace questioned. “I know you’re talking to that angel in your head but you want to share with the class?”

“Selaphiel says I can break the wards. That I can use her power.” 

Jace whistled. “Well that’s handy. Okay, so break it.” 

“I was asking how when you interrupted,” Alec said with a glare that could turn something to stone. Jace mimed zipping his lips then held his hands up in surrender. Alec returned his attention to Selaphiel. ‘Can you give me a little direction here?’ 

‘What do you feel when you use a stele?’ 

His first thought was nothing, but that wasn’t true. Maybe not on his first or the second rune, but on the fifth or sixth rune activated pre-mission he definitely felt a draw from the center of his chest toward the hand that held the stele. It felt similarly to the strain in his muscles when he drew his bow back to tension. 

‘Good, now imagine that feeling, from your center flowing to your palms.’

For a few seconds nothing happened, he could feel Jace’s impatience and doubt through the bond, then he jolted. Like a hot wire being pulled from a spool, energy coiled in his palm. 

‘Now push it out, not too much the barrier will break easily.’ 

He felt the ward vibrate against his hand and then shatter, falling away to nothing. The wood cooled under his touch. Alec let his arm fall. 

“That’s it?” Jace asked with not a little disappointment. “Have to say, it was a bit anticlimactic.”

Alec rolled his eyes at him and pulled the door open. It creaked ominously, hinges protesting the movement. “I’ll try to put on a better show next time.” Both boys let the door swing open without making a move to step inside. Alec waited for his brother in arms to step over the threshold first before doing so himself. It was his house after all and it didn’t sit right with Alec to go first.

Jace stared into the house, eyes blank and mouth curved downwards. “Home sweet home,” he murmured sarcastically. Alec nodded but didn’t comment. “Right, let's get this over with.” The shorter shadowhunter made no move to step forward despite his words. 

It occurred to Alec then that perhaps Jace wanted him to go first. He took a tentative step forward and when Jace made no move to stop and remained quiet he took the step that brought him into Wayland manor. 

Dust covered all surfaces. The regular assortment of antiques and memorabilia passed down through generations of shadowhunters, with perhaps a few more weapons considering the Wayland family history littered the surfaces and walls. It wasn’t unlike the Lightwood ancestral home. 

Jace nodded towards the back of the house. “I’ve been thinking about where we should start ever since Bane said there was nothing wrong with my head.” The blonde finally took the lead and Alec followed. They went through the kitchen into a hallway that ended in a spiral staircase that led downwards. “He never let me down here. It was forbidden.” 

“Sounds like a good place to start.” 

The stairs ended up leading to a locked door. Jace pulled out his stele, but Alec grabbed his arm. “Wait.” Alec pulled on Jace until the other looked at him. “Whatever we find behind this door. It won’t change anything. You know that right?” 

He expected Jace to push him away playfully. Tell him to stop with the touchy feely crap. He didn’t expect the almost bitter smile that graced the blonde’s mouth. “You know that isn’t true. Things will change Alec. We’ll change. But we’ll do it together. Right?” 

“Right,” he agreed, letting go of Jace’s arm with one last squeeze.

Jace drew the unlock rune into the wood and then turned the knob. With Alec at his back he stepped into the basement room. Jace found the rune that activated the witch lights in the ceiling and Alec took in the room over Jace’s shoulder. It was almost cave like, stone floor and walls that curved upward into a supportive arch at the center. There were different tables, littered with laboratory equipment they would need Izzy to tell them the purpose of. A large chalkboard on wheels off to one side covered in dust, but wiped clean. 

‘There’s something more heavily warded in here,’ Selaphiel announced. 

Alec didn’t have to ask her where. He could feel the magic clearly now that he knew what it felt like. He moved over to a corner where an old painting leaned up against the stone wall. He shoved it aside. “There’s something here,” he told Jace. The magic was stronger here than the wards. He reached out to the where he could sense the focal point and instantly drew his hand back, gasping in pain. 

“What is it?” Jace asked. 

Alec glanced down at his hand, the skin of his fingertips blistering as if he were burned. Jace took a hold of his wrist and drew an Iratze with his stele. 

‘It’s an illusion of some kind and a deterrent. For it to still be active and this powerful it must be using an energy source.’ 

‘The focal point?’ Alec asked. 

‘Most likely...you need to remove the source,’ Selaphiel said, sounding almost apologetic. 

Alec sighed. He pulled Selaphiel’s energy into his hand again and then took a breath before reaching out again for the source of the magic. Jace cried out as his hand sunk into the wall. It closed around something hot and jagged. Alec grit his teeth, unable to stop from crying out as what felt like spikes of burning hot metal drove through the veins of his arm. He yanked his hand back and threw the object away from himself and Jace. 

“Shit, Alec!” Jace caught him as he staggered backward, stele already burning another Iratze into his arm and then turning Alec and lifting up his shirt to activate a rune that deadened the perception of physical pain. 

Alec breathed through the fading pain as Jace went to look at the thing he pulled from the wall. “It’s some kind of stone.”

‘It feels demonic,’ Selaphiel chimed.

“Don’t touch it,” Alec warned, finally able to get a word out. 

Jace snorted. “Trust me, after seeing what it did to your arm I wasn’t going to. 

Alec didn’t give a snappy response, too caught up in the way the entire back wall of the basement wall seemed to shudder and then melt from view. The basement continued on after another supportive arch. It was dominated by a cell built into the corner, a large desk and shelves heavy with books taking up half the space opposite it. 

Something littered the empty cell’s floor. He took one step past the stone arch and was nearly brought to his knees by the white hot rage that seared through him. “Selaphiel!” he gasped out loud. The angel’s anger burned in him, her grace reacting to hit coming alive in his body. The leftover wounds on his arm healed instantly. 

“Fuck, Alec I can feel her. She needs to cut it out. We’re in Idris!” Jace hissed.

“Selaphiel please!” Alec begged, trying to push calm at her as if she were Jace. 

It took several moments but finally the buzz of her energy faded back to nearly the gentle hum that Alec was so used to now he barely registered it. While Alec grappled with getting the angel to tell him what that was about Jace stepped forward and into the open cell. 

“Well, I think we can safely assume this was the source of the angel blood,” he said, voice empty of emotion. The blonde reached down and picked up a feather, pure white at first glance but as Alec came forward to get a better look. The feather that Jace held was dove white, but speckled by fawn brown. 

‘Ithuriel,’ Selaphiel’s voice came like a ripple, grief stretching out in circles. 

‘You know by the feather?’ Alec questioned gently. He reached out to take the feather from Jace, but Jace pulled back. “Jace?” 

“I don’t know, it just feels like it belongs with me,” Jace said, confusion and simmering anger at the revelation of what the feather meant. 

‘All our feathers are unique in appearance, but it is the grace that clings even now to the feather that I identified. Jace cannot let it go because he too feels Ithuriel’s grace in it. You would feel similarly if you held one of my feathers.’ The angel shifted restlessly within him. ‘Ithuriel has not fallen or died. I would have felt it, all of Heaven would have felt it.’ 

‘Could, uh, Ithuriel,” Alec hesitated to use a particular pronoun with the unknown angel, ‘have returned to Heaven?’ 

‘Possible, but unlikely. Look at the runes burned into the floor.’ The nephilim took in the lines of faded runes, cracked and burnt out. He recognized a few, but had no idea on others or how the combination of the ones he knew interacted with each other. ‘The person who did this had knowledge that goes far beyond your average shadowhunter from what I have observed of you and others in the Institute. Whoever did this knew how to trap an angel and force the angel to sustain a physical form.’

Alec felt his own revulsion echoed by Selaphiel. 

He looked back to Jace to tell him what Selaphiel said but the shattering grief and anger on his face stilled his tongue. Alec reached out, now noticing Jace had cut off the bond, blocking Alec from feeling anything but a shadow of his emotions. 

“It was him,” Jace said, voice rough. “He did this to me, he- Raziel damn him,” Jace swore, “he had an angel down here and I never knew.” 

Alec’s heart broke for him. From what Alec understood of Jace’s childhood, Michael Wayland had been obsessed with turning Jace into the perfect soldier. He demanded obedience in everything from his son. Put him through grueling training from a young age, not unlike other shadowhunter families, but with an emphasis on ruthlessness that was certainly not normal. Through it all Jace loved the man. Alec understood that, loving those that hurt you the most.

Alec looked around the basement, eyes landing on the shelves full of leather bound books, some of which looked like they may not be books at all but journals. “Let’s pack up these books and go.” He needed to get Jace out of this basement. Angel be kind, he needed to get out of this basement. 

Jace looked conflicted for a moment but nodded in agreement. “The feathers too. I can’t leave them.” 

Selaphiel made a noise of approval in his mind. 

“Okay, we’ll pack up everything we can carry, there has to be something in the house we can use and the Lightwood manor is over half a day’s ride from here, but my grandmother’s house is only about an hour. We’ll let Izzy know, get some food in us and then see if we’re up for reading through some of this shit. There may be something about what he did to you in them.” 

They did as Alec said in a daze. Before leaving the house Alec drew a large sealing rune over the door to the basement, pulling on Selaphiel’s grace to make sure no one but him was getting in and another one on the front entrance to the house while Jace did the same around the back.

By the time they reached the Trueblood home Jace felt more settled through the bond. Alec let Jace take care of the horses, knowing it would help Jace who always had a great affinity for the animals when they were at the Academy. 

His grandmother’s house was clean, although slightly stuffy. He opened up windows to let in the warm summer night air after putting their haul down on the dining room table. Feeling Jace’s emotions stabilize even more through the bond as he cared for the horses, Alec decided to shower. It would be good to feel clean after being in that basement. 

When he came back downstairs, dressed in some clothes he had packed, expecting to spend the night in Idris, Jace was already seated at the table and digging through the books they had discovered to be journals while they were packing. 

“There are references to dates in some but not others. It’s going to take some time to establish any sort of timeline,” Jace spoke, voice void of any emotion. 

They both took a journal at random and began reading. That was how Izzy found them not a half an hour later. She looked at the mess of reading material on the table and sighed. “Well, I’m glad I brought coffee.” She tossed the bag of grounds at Alec. “I also brought some things for us to mark important pages that we find and some pads to make notes on. Angel, I wish we could use electronic devices in Idris.” 

Izzy took her coffee and small stack of journals to the sitting room to make use of a comfier couch while the boys stayed in the dining room.

“He was brilliant, completely mad but brilliant,” Izzy called out from the other room after fifteen minutes of reading. “I can’t understand some of these formulae he’s written at all.”

“Join the club,” Jace tossed back as he turned another page. While Jace was no slouch when it came to academic pursuits, it wasn’t a secret that he found no joy in them.

Alec made another note, feeling as though it was finally time to share what he had found. “He writes about a J. C. in this one, and refers to him as his son, but I don’t think it's Jace.” 

Jace inhaled sharply. “Why not? Those are my initials!” Izzy was quiet in the other room waiting for Alec to continue. 

“He described the effects of giving greater demon blood to a woman named Jocelyn while she was pregnant with J. C.” 

Izzy came back into the dining room, leaning against the frame of the entryway with concern in her face. 

Alec watched Jace carefully before the blonde just shook his head. “Fuck, can he get any more twisted.” 

‘There is no demon blood in Jace, and I doubt he was ever exposed, the mixture of angel and demon blood in one body would have killed even a nephilim.’ 

“Selaphiel said that there isn’t any demon blood in you and you wouldn't have survived both types of blood. Plus the dates in the journal and her pregnancy would have you born almost a year earlier.” 

Jace nodded his understanding and then shook his head again. “So I have an older half brother, maybe, who got demon blood instead of angel blood.” He let out a near hysterical sounding laugh. “This just keeps getting better.” 

Izzy opened her mouth to say something but Jace had already pulled another journal to him and began reading. With a shared look of worry, his sister returned to her spot in the other room.

A few minutes later, Jace made a noise of triumph, standing up in his excitement. “Here, this one is about me. I’m older though. He calls me Johnathn and describes my training. I remember this.” He pointed at a particular paragraph on the page. Alec waited as Jace continued to skim. “He doesn’t mention my mother, but he wonders if his experiment failed since I don’t show any signs of being affected by the angel blood.” 

Izzy came back into the room, face pale and holding a journal. “I think I found your mother.”

Jace rose and grabbed the book from her hands, eyes greedily taking up the words. “He took meticulous notes on this woman, Celine, through her pregnancy. She had several miscarriages and he gave her angel blood, not that she knew that's what it was, under the guise of medicine to help her carry a child to term. He doesn’t mention a father.”

“So it might not be me?” Jace asked, looking between Izzy and Alec. 

Alec could see the cogs turning in Izzy’s mind and knew she was thinking the same as him. “Or it is you and Michael wasn’t your father,” Izzy said, voicing Alec’s thoughts. 

Alec’s hand fell to the parabatai rune on his hip as he tried to comfort Jace through the bond. Jace shot him a grateful look. “Ya know, I think that would be preferred at the moment.” 

‘I think you should tell them your suspicions,’ Selaphiel said. ‘Your theory is reasonable based on the information you have. You just need to find the evidence to confirm it.’ 

Alec cleared his throat. “I think we need to consider the possibility that this person,” he held up the journal he was reading, “is not Michael Wayland.” He paused for a moment to let that sink in. “Dad and I spoke the day your test results came back, Jace. I asked him about Michael.”

Izzy drew in an audible breath. “He actually talked to you about him?”

Alec nodded. “He said he didn’t know how the Michael that he knew could have been the man who raised you and…,” Alec hesitated, trying to force down his own insecurity, “Given that this person had a child other than you with another woman other than Eliza Wayland, your presumed mother when he told dad he was in love with him.” 

“Woah,” Izzy whispered. 

Jace held Alec’s gaze with his own. “I’ve always wondered why Robert didn’t know when dad died. They say losing your parabatai is agony. It’s driven shadowhunters insane. Robert didn’t even know he was dead.” 

“He said the bond broke the day Michael confessed his feelings. Dad didn’t react well,” Alec tried to keep his voice level, but it wobbled when he spoke of his father’s reaction to Michael. 

Izzy made a noise of concern, coming to Alec’s side, but it was Jace’s angry words that cut through the self-loathing Alec was trying his best to reject. “What a dick.” Jace reached across the table to grab Alec’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Alec, I know you love him, you too Iz, but Robert is a grade A asshole and sometimes I really want to hit him for you.” 

Izzy, Robert’s princess rolled her eyes at the boy she considered her brother and leaned against Alec’s side. “That he is.” 

Alec shook his head, trying to soak up their support. He had never really said he was gay to either of them, but this was just confirmation that they had always known and never had they been anything but quietly supportive. “I’m fine, but do you guys see what I mean. This man, whoever he is, this level of understanding of magic and science wouldn’t have gone unnoticed. Dad talked about how Michael was interested in blacksmithing, the Wayland family legacy.” 

Jace returned to his seat. “You’re right. There’s a forge at Wayland manor, my-,” he cut himself off from saying father, “well whoever he was he never set foot in it to my knowledge.” 

“You’re not wrong. This took years of study,” Izzy said, chewing on her nail as she stared down at the table. She pulled a coverless paper manuscript bound with aged twine from underneath some of the heavier books. “Oh shit.” 

Alec turned to look up at his sister as she held the manuscript in front of her. 

“What is it?” Jace asked.  
Izzy turned it around to show them the handwritten title, The Use of Angelic Runes in Summoning Rituals in script they were all familiar with at this point. “Look at who it was written by.” 

Their eyes both fell to the bottom of the page where a grandiose signature was.

Valentine Morgenstern. 

Alec’s eyes flew to Jace as the blonde took it in. His face was carefully blank before the mask crumbled. “Right,” he said hoarsely, getting to his feet, turning away from both Alec and Izzy. “Let’s go see if grandma Trueblood kept any good booze in the house.” 

They ended up finding a bottle of pisco and a few small bottles of faerie liquor. Blankets and pillows were dragged out from bedrooms as they made a nest in the den of the house, away from the writings of a mad man.

After they had exhausted the discussion, or just become too intoxicated to theorize anymore on Valentine’s survival and current whereabouts they settled into a not peaceful but content silence. Alec lay on his back, staring up at the wooden beams that held up the house. His head was pillowed in Izzy’s lap where she rested against a couch. Jace’s own head lay on his stomach as he starfished out on the floor in a sea of blankets.

“Swiftfoot thinks I’m going to be Head of the Institute,” he announced without preamble.

Izzy made a noise of surprise. “Is that what you want?” she asked, her hand coming to Alec’s head and beginning to comb through his hair.

Alec sighed at the sensation. “Isn’t it?” 

Jace snorted. “She’s asking you, ya lightweight.”

“But what about you guys?” Alec questioned, his altered mind feeling as if it had adequately answered Izzy’s question and moving on. 

“What about us?” Jace asked back.

“It’s always about me being Head. What about you, what do you want to do?”

Izzy laughed. “Finally he acknowledges it’s always about him!” Alec swatted at her in retaliation. He missed. “I like what I’m studying right now. It’s challenging in a way I’d forgotten I enjoyed. I think I’m going to like field surgery.” She shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe Forestner will consider training me to take her position. Maybe I’ll just keep serving as field surgeon until I retire and take a teaching position at the Academy or stay with the Institute.” 

“And you’d be happy with that?” Alec asked.

Izzy’s unpainted lips smiled down at him and her hands fluttered over his face for a moment. “Yes, hermano. I think I would.”

“What no husband?” Jace asked. 

Izzy’s eyes narrowed as she moved her gaze to Jace. “You saying I need a man to be happy?” 

Jace obviously still had enough of his faculties to realize he was treading in dangerous waters. “Of course not, but we are talking about wants right? Right Alec?” 

Alec grinned. “I’m not getting into the hole with you.” 

“Parabatai!” Jace whined. 

Izzy’s laugh was full. “And you Jace?” she asked after laughter ceased. 

“Easy. I want to travel. I didn’t do a tour like you and Alec. I want to see other places, explore.”  
He rolled his head up to look at Alec. “You never really answered your own question.” 

Alec exhaled. “I think I want to be Head. But I wouldn’t need it to be happy.” It felt like the truth. 

“So what would you need to be happy?” Izzy asked. 

Alec contemplated the question. The fantasies that sprung to mind weren’t ones that he ever would admit to without alcohol loosening his tongue. “I want to love someone like in the stories. I want to make a home with them away from the Institute. Angel, I’d love not to live in the Institute.” 

“Really?” Jace asked. “I wouldn’t have guessed that, I mean not the love part. You are an utter sap, when it comes to that shit. The living outside the Institute. I didn’t know you wanted that.” He sat up, turning to Alec. “Hey, we could get a total bachelor pad in the city!” 

Alec’s nose crinkled. “I’m not sharing a place with you.” Izzy chuckled and Jace's face contorted in mock hurt. “And I’d want kids someday.”

“Yes! You have the kids so I can just spoil my nieces and nephews,” Izzy said, excitement bubbling in her voice. 

Jace smiled. “I can totally see you as a dad. The best dad.” 

He returned the smile, but his thoughts turned dark. “Any kid that’s mine will always know that they are loved and wanted. It won’t matter if they never want to touch a weapon.” He felt Izzy’s hands begin to card through his hair again. Jace’s eyes were on him and Alec could see the shadows, the day had created in them. 

A gentle peace fell before Jace broke it. “So, Valentine is probably alive. He raised me, but I’m not his kid most likely. I also may or may not be a Wayland.”

Izzy exhaled noisily. “You both are depressing drunks. I need new friends.”

“Valentine is a danger to the whole Shadow World and the Mortal Cup is still missing. He may still have Ithuriel. This goes far beyond just our Institute. We need to take this to the Clave,” Alec said before sitting up. Feeling like he was coming back down to earth. Faerie liquor was a quick at getting you drunk, but passed through the system faster than mundane alcohol.

“I have that investigator’s number, Branwell,” Izzy offered.

Both Alec and Jace turned to look at her with betrayal. 

She returned their gaze with wide innocent eyes. “What? Like I said I need new friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! We are moving. Next chapter will be Magnus’ POV. Update will probably take longer. Comment and let me know your thoughts. Like it, hate it? Intrigued? Lost?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec gets a promotion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should really not say what’s coming next ever because I keep changing my mind. I was going to have this chapter be the first one from Magnus’ POV but I didn’t like the flow. I felt like Alec still had some things that needed to be set in place before we got there and I didn’t like doing a broken up timeline as much as I thought I would. Thanks to everyone who keeps reading, kudoing and commenting! Let me know what you think!

Sweat stung Alec’s eyes as he brought his knees into his chest. 

“You’re not coordinating your breathing. Come on Lightwood. We talked about this. The breath is your friend,” Batonvert chastised. 

Alec resisted the urge to cuss at the man. He was supposed to have more composure than that, but today he didn’t have it in him. Things moved quickly after they contacted Branwell and met her at the Wayland manor the morning after their discovery. Alec and Jace took down their sealing runes and after handing over the materials they took from the basement, minus the angel feathers they kept to themselves as Jace refused to part with them, they were ordered back to the NYI. 

That evening Jace received a fire message that he would be interviewed by the Inquisitor herself the following morning. Alec wanted to be there with him, but Jace refused. His stubborn parabatai closed down the bond as well, leaving Alec feeling like a piece of himself was missing and no clue as to what was going on. 

“You’re a million miles away aren’t you.” Batonvert shook his head. “I saw the Inquisitor’s personal guard here. I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but either be here or call it and stop wasting both our time.” 

Alec grit his teeth. “I’m here.”

Serge nodded. “Then let’s do it right.”

Pushing aside his worry Alec focused on the task at hand. 

Batonvert watched as he smoothly moved through the routines. “Nice, let’s look at your flexibility now your muscles are warm.”

Alec grimaced knowing he wasn’t where he wanted to be. Looking for a distraction as his abdomen protested the first stretch he spoke, “So why a rehabilitation specialist?” 

He couldn’t see the other shadowhunter’s face from his position but there was a pause before the man answered. “Before I pursued the field there was little done for those of us that were injured in the field who couldn’t be healed completely through runes or magic if a warlock was brought in, or like those who after healing still showed physical deficits or loss of strength or mobility that impeded return to active duty. Good now the other side.” Alec shifted, bending in the opposite direction. “I dated this mundane for a bit. Worked at a mundane physical therapy center. Talked a lot. After my injury, I realized maybe something like that could help me, but there was only a handful of Institutes who had medical personnel trained in the basics of physical therapy or rehabilitation. So I went to the mundane world to get treatment. Alright let’s do some functional movement. Bring your bow over.” After Alec returned he drew the bow back dry. His stomach muscles pulled but they weren’t screaming in agony. It made him smile grimly. “After I plateaued and still couldn’t return to active duty I went to the head of the Paris Institute and made my proposal. They pay for me to get the schooling I needed to rehabilitate injured shadowhunters and I not only treat those in our Institute but loan me out to other Institutes and collect a fee.”

Alec grunted as he pulled his bow back again. “How’s that been working out for you?”

Serge grinned. “Good, been at this a year or so now. I’ve got a near constant stream of clientele. Shadowhunter’s don’t like being sidelined.” Alec snorted at that. “Most of the Institutes know of me or at least their CMOs do. And they respect what I do. The academics at the Academy and the Silent Brothers are a bit skeptical but the evidence is there. What I do works.” 

Alec slowly released the bow. “Forestner’s been impressed with my progress. She didn’t think I’d be able to return to combat.”

Serge nodded. “Without me I doubt you would have. She’s a smart woman.”

There was something in his voice at the comment and Alec glanced at the other man catching an almost wistful smile that looked out of place on the fierce warrior. He tried to contain himself but after all Batonvert put him through he couldn’t. “Sounds like you admire her.” 

The leading comment got a chuckle out of elder shadowhunter. “She is an admirable woman. That’s all you’re getting out of me.” 

“My sister works for her,” Alec offered, “She loves this Vietnamese bakery a couple blocks from here.” 

“Giving me tips on how to woo her isn’t going to make me go easier on you.” 

Alec rolled his eyes. “Never thought it would.” The younger shadowhunter didn’t mention that Forestner had asked some pretty telling questions about Serge to Izzy, who then decided Alec needed to know the gossip. If something struck up between them, Forestner, the higher ranking of the two probably wouldn’t leave her position for him. It would be more likely that Serge would relocate to New York and a cut of his commissions would go into the NYI’s coffers. Alec was a pragmatist after all.

“I’ll keep it in mind though,” Serge said with a nod of thanks. “I think you’re about ready to restart a light training regime.” Alec couldn’t help the grin that formed and that man’s blessing. “Don’t get too excited. I know we briefly talked about it before and it’s out of the realm of my expertise, but I can’t stress enough that the physical side of this injury is only half of it.” Whatever excitement he felt a moment ago died an abrupt death. “I get it better than most,” he continued, holding up his left arm. “As someone who has been where you are, just know that the mental side, the anxiety, possible flashbacks, you freezing up when you’re put in a combat situation again, all of it, is normal.” Alec gripped the bow in his hands tighter, needing to feel the wood warm under his hands. “You had to see me to get your body right. Don’t do yourself the disservice of thinking your mind doesn’t need some help too.” 

Logically it made sense, but it didn’t stop the instantaneous urge to reject that he needed anything of the sort. To say needing that kind of help amongst shadowhunters was stigmatized was a bit of an understatement. 

“I’m not asking. Think about it, you can’t be who you need to be, you can’t lead, you can’t fight, you can’t protect anyone if you aren’t 100%.”

“Alec?” He turned at Aline’s voice. She was in the doorway to the training room. “Jace is asking for you,” she added without preamble. 

Alec’s heart jumped and he turned back to Serge. “Go, we were about finished anyway. I’ll email Forestner your progress. I’ll see you in a week for a final assessment.”

Alec couldn’t even feel joy over that as he hurried out of the room with Aline on his heels. 

“They’re in the Head’s office. Alec listen, something is happening. Your mother and father have been ordered to Idris.”

“What? Where is Izzy? Who’s been put in place as acting Head?” It felt like the world just tilted on its axis. His parents being ordered to Idris couldn’t be a coincidence. What had they missed in the journals that caused this? Why did they turn them over without reading them all through? This had been his idea, if something happened...

“She’s in the city at one of her classes. Your mother appointed you as acting Head until their return.”

Alec sucked in breath. He wasn’t ready. Swiftfoot was a better option, or Forestner. She could hold the place together with Alec’s help. On his own though? He was too young, too inexperienced. No one would follow him. 

They reached the Head’s office. His mother’s assistant, Mendoza stood several feet away from the Inquisitor’s guards, glowering at them. “Penelope,” he greeted. The woman was nearly fifteen years his senior, but hated being addressed by her last name if there was any way around it. 

“Alec, I mean Director,” she returned. “I have your appointment papers.” She held them out with a folio underneath and a pen. 

Alec made sure his hand didn’t shake as he reached out. The Inquisitor’s guards were watching them and he didn’t want to give away any hesitance he felt about being appointed even acting Head. He signed where Mendoza indicated. “Congratulations,” she offered quietly. 

“I know Heads like to pick their own assistants but I don’t think I’ll be holding this position for long and I could use someone who can keep things as smoothly running as possible.” 

Mendoza looked relieved that she still had a job. “Of course. Whatever you need, sir.” 

“I’m to join my parabatai and the Inquisitor, in the event that I wasn’t able to take the appointment did my parents have a second choice?” 

Mendoza’s dark head shook. “No, there was barely enough time for your mother to draft the papers to appoint you.”

Alec refrained from cursing. “Has anyone notified Commander Swiftfoot?” 

“He’s the one who sent me to you Alec,” Aline answered. 

“Good, so he’s in the loop.” Alec thought as quickly as possible. “As acting Head I can’t appointment someone to take my place but I can determine a Vice Head who until the American Enclave council can be called to officially determine the appointment if for some reason I can’t carry out the duty. Let Doctor Forestner know she has the honor and draw up the paperwork I need,” he requested to Mendoza with a nod. “I don’t care if you have to drag Izzy out of her lecture, find her and get her back here,” he ordered Aline. He needed his family. He thought of his little brother, at the Academy and vulnerable to whatever social consequences would come from the fall out of his parents being all but arrested. Perhaps he could get in contact with some of his old professor’s and request they keep an eye out.

Not waiting for either woman to respond he made his way towards the office, his office for the foreseeable future. The guards didn’t stop him. He didn’t knock. He made sure to close the door behind him, taking note of the activated Silence rune burning in place on a piece of adamas set into the wall beside it.

Jace stood immediately upon seeing him enter. His parabatai looked as if he was physically restraining himself from crossing the short distance to him. They were in the seating area of the office. Branwell was standing off to the side behind the Inquisitor in parade rest. Although Alec didn’t know her well, she looked distinctly uncomfortable. It gave him a small sense of satisfaction that no one was sitting in the Head’s rightful seat behind the desk. 

“Alec,” Jace croaked, his voice raw and bleeding with emotion. It made the taller shadowhunter reach for the space that Jace occupied in him only to feel it empty and hollow, the bond still shut down. 

“Jace, Madam Inquisitor, Investigator Branwell,” Alec greeted formally. 

“Acting Director Lightwood, thank you for joining us.” He blinked at the downright civil address from the Inquisitor and the use of his new title. With little fanfare she had just formally acknowledged his appointment, temporary as it might be. “My grandson was just sharing with us how you both came to make your extraordinary discovery at the Wayland manor.”

He couldn’t stop his sharp intake of breath as his eyes left the Herondale matriarch to meet his parabatai’s mismatched eyes. “Jace,” he whispered.

Jace’s lips fluttered as if his mouth didn’t know what it wanted to express. “Celine Herondale. That’s who Izzy thought may be my mother.”

“Although I should wait for a blood test, but,” the Inquisitor’s eyes were wet and Alec felt Edom may be experiencing some cold weather, “looking at you I don’t have any doubts. You have so much of Stephen, in you.” Alec assumed Stephen must be Jace’s father.

There was a knock on the door. 

Alec didn’t wait for the Inquisitor’s leave. She may be the highest ranking member of the Clave in the room, but he was acting Head of the NYI and this was his office. He opened it to Forestner’s flaming red hair and furious blue eyes. She obviously knew he named her Vice Head. He stepped to the side.

“Director,” she greeted him formally and wasn’t that a trip? As chief medical officer of the Institute her position was nearly equal with Swiftfoot. She also was someone he had always seen as an authority figure.

“Doctor.”

“Your expertise is required,” Inquisitor Herondale interrupted. Alec grimaced knowing the woman was going to order his staff around like she had a right to.

Forestner was a consummate professional if nothing else and simply raised an eyebrow at Alec before turning to the Inquisitor. She bowed her head the slightest amount necessary to show deference before meeting the Inquisitor’s eyes. “How may I be of service?”

“I need a paternal DNA comparison done on Jace Wayland and Stephen Herondale. My son’s is on file stored on my private server, Branwell will provide you access.” Forestner turned to Jace, no doubt about to ask him permission to access his as well. 

“Do what ya gotta do doc,” he said with only a sliver of his usual levity. 

Alec could see the woman’s mouth pinch as she resisted the urge to scold him for his informality. 

“Doctor Forestner,” Inquisitor Herondale called, claiming the room’s attention once again. “I expect discreteness and for you to keep any and all discoveries you might find to yourself.”

Alec’s breath caught at the implication. When they turned the journals over to Branwell it was with not a small amount of trepidation, knowing that the truth of Jace’s blood and what was done to him would come to light. They had hoped his position as Alec’s parabatai and his relation to Lightwoods would keep the worst from happening. Alec was beginning to second guess their decision but Jace claimed it was his truth and his choice to make. His parabatai wanted to see Valentine burn more than he wanted to keep what was done to him a secret. 

But Jace being the lost son of the main branch of the Herondale line? That would be better protection than anything the Lightwood name could offer. If it was true. It might be why his parents had been commanded to return to Idris, no doubt on the Inquisitor’s order. She must have quietly opened a special investigation. She no doubt wanted to find if they had any inkling about Jace’s true identity. 

“Sit down Lightwood,” Inquisitor Herondale commanded as the other two women left the room, door closing behind them. “There is more we must discuss before I return to Idris,” her voice could have broken stone. 

Jace started forward where he sat. “He doesn’t know, Ma’am please.”

Alec frowned at the way Jace’s face lost all its color but he seated himself, biting the inside of his cheek at the feeling of vulnerability the new position provoked. He felt Selaphiel’s wings ruffle, their phantom presence brushing his shoulders. Ever since using Selaphiel’s power he became more aware of it. He reached for it now. Feeling the steady thrum of angelic energy. He could handle this woman and whatever she might bring to his doorstep.

“I believe you believe that Jace, but I must be sure,” the woman acknowledged,, softening a tad to her long lost grandson. She turned the full weight of her grey stare onto Alec. “Normally I would like your hand to be on the Soul Sword, but Jace assures me that won’t be necessary and that you cannot lie to him.”

Alec’s hazel eyes flew to Jace’s mismatched blue and brown. He bit back the urge to point out that the Soul Sword could only be used on a shadowhunter when a serious crime was suspected and with the blessing of the regional Enclave council of the shadowhunter to be questioned. For once he was grateful for how little of the parabatai bond was explained to those who did not undergo the ritual themselves. Saying that he and Jace could not lie to the other was vastly oversimplifying the much more complex truth. However, if that was the line Jace sold her though he must have done it for a reason. 

Inquisitor Herondale seemed to gather their shared hesitance. “Jace I know you want to protect your brother in all but blood, but if we are to root out the man who has caused us all this pain and suffering we must not allow ourselves to be ruled by our emotions.” 

Alec didn’t like to think he was prone to violence despite but he wanted to take the dagger from his thigh and drive it through the woman’s chest. To ask them to open the bond, to violate the trust they had in each other enraged him to his very core. Jace reached across the arms of their chairs and gripped his forearm as the bond that he had been keeping shut opened with a flood of their combined anger and disgust.

Before Alec thought maybe Jace was happy about the revelation of who he was and that he had family, a relation that was alive, or perhaps at least relieved to know he shared no blood with Valentine himself. With the bond open now Alec knew Jace was mostly furious. The bond rattled with it. The older shadowhunter was taken aback by it, which was enough to snap them both out of the cycle of feeding off each other’s emotions. Jace’s anger was still licking at him like fire on a freshly placed log but now he could feel the tumultuous agony it was hiding. Jace was so mixed up between his grief, confusion and anger that he didn’t know which way was up and reconnecting with Alec was all that was holding him together.

He really underestimated Jace’s acting skills. The fact that Jace had kept it together this long without revealing exactly how he really felt was something close to a miracle.

“Are you ready?” Oh, Alec could tell Jace was ready for something. His parabatai’s blond head nodded, the anguish on his face being misread by the Inquisitor. Alec needed to do his part, but he was having a hard time tearing his eyes away from Jace, but the thrum of Jace’s soul against his own made keeping his eyes on the younger shadowhunter a bit superfluous. He turned to face the woman who not two days ago was dead set on ruining his career. “Why did you go to Wayland Manor yesterday?” 

Alec breathed. Jace would have already given her the story they agreed upon. He cycled through the details as he licked his lips. “We were looking for answers.” The short response clearly didn’t please the Inquisitor but Alec refused to play this game. 

“Really Lightwood?”

“You’re questioning me without representation and you’ve demanded my parabatai betray the confidence between us, violate the bond we swore to honor and that is protected by the law you swore to uphold.” She didn’t flinch at his damning words, her steely gaze not wavering, but something tightened around the corners of her mouth. She knew she was acting outside the scope of her power. Alec understood doing anything for family, what he didn’t understand how she thought Jace would ever betray Alec. What happened in this room before he got there?

“Very well, I want an answer to three questions.” 

‘She has prayed often. I recognize her soul,’ Selaphiel commented. ‘She grieves deeply for the family she has lost.’

Alec didn’t need to know that.

“Before this week, did you know that Michael Wayland was not Jace’s father?”

“No.”

“Before this week, did you know Valentine Morganstern was alive?”

“Of course not.”

“Did you know that Maryse and Robert Lightwood were members of Valentine’s Circle?”

His mouth was already forming the denial when her words processed what she actually said. Jace’s anger burned in his gut. “No, that’s, no!” Alec stood, moving away, but with no real direction as to where was going. 

“I told you he didn’t know. Maryse and Robert didn’t tell us, and you and the Clave basically made it a crime to so much as talk about the Circle so no one else told us.” 

If the Herondale matriarch responded Alec didn’t process it. He was still caught up in his denial “Jace, no, that can’t be true.”

Jace crossed the distance Alec had put between them and gripped both Alec’s arms. “I’m sorry Alec, but it’s true. Maryse confirmed it before she left. She wanted to speak with you, but…,” he trailed off. It was obvious that the Inquisitor had not given his mother the chance. His parabatai turned, putting himself between Alec and the Inquisitor as if to shield Alec. “He told you the truth. What else do you want?” 

If the woman was insulted or hurt by the absolute venom in Jace’s voice she didn’t show it. “I understand this is difficult for you Jace, but we must be vigilant. Valentine is a poison and he has been allowed to fester all these years in secret.” Alec hated that he agreed with her. She reached out for Jace, but when he didn’t move any closer she let her hand drop. For a moment, her face, aged but still regal showed the grief she must have carried for decades. “I’m dropping the investigation and the recommendation of a formal review of your actions. In regard to what you discovered in Wayland Manor, know that a confidential investigation is underway, speak of Valentine’s continued existence to no one. I’ll have you sit with Branwell for a full formal interview and I want all the details this time. You may have representation if you want but clear them with my office first. We are keeping the fact that Valentine is alive secret for now. And I will see anyone who makes it known that man wasn’t in that fire in chains.” The weight of her gaze pressed against him and Alec wondered how long it had been since anyone questioned her authority. The elder shadowhunter stood. “Until I am satisfied that your parents had absolutely no idea that Valentine was alive and Jace’s true parentage they won’t be returning.” 

“How will that be taken by the American Enclave’s Council?” While the Inquisitor’s powers could be extended greatly depending on the situation, even she couldn’t remove the Heads of an Institute without just cause.

“Some members have been informed of the situation and have agreed with my recommendation that your parents be removed from their position. As far as the rest are concerned your parents have been recalled to Idris to join the committee working on the next set of Accords.”

Alec felt his teeth grind together against. That could keep his parents away from the NYI for the foreseeable future. “And your investigation into Valentine?”

“Branwell is your point of contact, but I want to be clear. You did your duty to the Clave bringing this to us, but your involvement ends here. You have an Institute to run. I suggest you focus on that.” She turned her grey eyes to Jace. “When you are ready to learn about your parents, I’m here.” It was obvious that she was reluctant to leave, but Jace stayed by Alec’s side.. 

“Wait,” Alec said, mind working furiously to ignore the way his reality had just been ripped apart. “No one is going to buy that my parents are on leave to work on the Accords, especially when word gets out from Idris that you are interrogating them.” 

“Are you suggesting that you cannot control your people?” She suddenly looked like a dog salivating over a bone at the mere suggestion Alec may be an incompetent leader.

Alec scoffed. “I want to establish that I’m a leader my people can trust. Feeding them bullshit-” Angel, did he just swear at one of the most senior officials of the Clave “the first day on the job isn’t going to inspire that. Also it will make people want to dig to find out what is really going on.” He gripped Jace on the shoulder. “Once we have confirmation of your parentage, it’s going to get out sooner or later. If we put it out, get ahead of the narrative it will provide more cover for the investigation into Valentine. After all that’s part of why you brought my parents in. Not just Valentine. You want to know if they knew who Jace was? If they were playing some sort of long political game, right?” 

He looked at the Inquisitor who appeared to just swallow something particularly vile. “The thought had crossed my mind. Your father has made it quite clear over the years that he is not satisfied with being regulated to leading this Institute. I dare say he’s always had eyes on my office.”

Alec could feel and read Jace’s surprise on his face, however it wasn’t news to him. 

“It’s your choice Jace. This is about you. If you want to keep it quiet, we keep it quiet,” Alec offered, ignoring the guilt that ate at him. While Alec was vulnerable to ceding to his parabatai’s wishes he knew Jace was just as vulnerable. 

“No, you’re right. It’s going to come out anyway.” 

They both looked at the Inquisitor knowing she had the final say in the matter. “I see the intelligence in such a plan.” It was the most approval she no doubt was going to give. She stopped in front of Jace before she left. “I hope to speak with you again soon.” 

Jace’s jaw clenched, but he managed to nod in response.

She left the office without saying another word. 

Jace breathed out. 

There was a knock on the door. 

Alec knew neither himself or his parabatai had the luxury to stop and process what just happened. Inquisitor Herondale was right. He had an Institute to run. “I need you to get Iz, tell her what’s happened if Aline hasn’t already filled her in.” 

“All of it?”

Alec knew Jace didn’t mean to keep this from her, but he wanted to be sure Alec didn’t want to tell Izzy himself. “All of it. Co me in,” he called. 

Mendoza stepped in. “Director?”

“Gather leadership and their assistants, I’ll brief them in five.” 

The assistant left without question. 

“Damn,” Jace whispered. “This is really happening. You’re in charge.” 

It was like a nightmare and a day dream. Alec was leaning more towards the former. “Are you on mission-duty tonight?”

Jace nodded. “Izzy picked up a shift as well. We aren’t going to leave it alone are we?” 

Alec looked at his parabatai. If Jace knew everything that was swirling around in Alec’s mind he wouldn’t have had to ask, Alec may not be able to lie to Jace’s face about something straightforward but that didn’t mean he couldn’t hide things. “We have enough to contend with at the moment. Let it be for now. Do you want to be there when I tell leadership about you?”

Jace shook his head. “No, you’ll just tell them I’m a Herondale right, not necessarily who my parents are?”

“If that is what you’re comfortable with. Forestner will know, but she’ll keep it to herself. It will get out eventually that you aren’t just any Herondale. That mom and dad-,” he pressed a hand over his eyes and breathed. His parents were traitors. They followed Valentine, were part of a coup against the Clave. For a moment Alec couldn’t feel the ground beneath his feet, light headed from the sheer amount of resentment the knowledge brought. He swallowed it down and pressed his hip into the sharp corner of the desk until he could it was against his bone. He didn’t have time to fall apart yet. “That they were sitting on the Herondale heir and didn’t realize it?” The social ramifications of such a thing were only then beginning to sink in. Mismatched eyes dropped to the floor and anxiety bloomed across the bond. “I’m right here Jace. You said before we opened that door that things would change. Looks like you were right.” Jace choked on a laugh. “But I’m still here.” 

Jace nodded. “It’s gonna come out sooner or later. Might as well just rip the bandage off.” He scrubbed a hand down his face, looking far older than Alec thought he should be capable of. “She was talking about all these things, plans she had for the future. Angel I could barely focus on it. She doesn’t know me.” 

“No she doesn’t. Maybe someday she will.” 

“She thought you might have known about everything. Robert and Maryse being part of the Circle, me being her grandson, shit even us being parabatai was a conspiracy to control me.”

Alec grimaced. That went far beyond what he assumed the Inquisitor could have dreamed up. It was ridiculous but no doubt the reason she thought there might be chance Jace would be willing to rat out Alec.

The younger shadowhunter blew out a breath and swallowed harshly. “Whatever you think needs to be done Alec. Playing politics,” he waved a hand at their surroundings, “that was always your thing. Call me when something or someone needs to be stabbed.” 

Alec snorted as another knock was rapped against the door.

“Right, I’ll be back in thirty with Iz.” Jace stopped before he reached the door and turned to completely face Alec with a smirk curving his lips. “Am I excused, Director?” 

Hazel eyes rolled hard. “Get the fuck out of here.” A real laugh escaped his parabatai’s lips as he disappeared through the door, closing it behind him. Alec warmed at the gesture. Jace was giving him a moment to gather himself. He took the opportunity to make use of the en-suite bathroom pausing as he looked in the mirror. He was still in workout clothes, looking nothing like his mother’s polished perfection. 

Selaphiel appeared behind him in the view of the mirror. ‘I wish I could aid you.’ 

Alec managed a small smile for the angel. “Unless you can make the world stop turning and give me time to breathe.” 

The world around him turned. 

Snow crunched beneath his feet as he found himself overlooking Lake Lyn. The air was cold but the sun was bright and warmed his skin. “Manipulating time is outside the realm of my abilities, but I can affect your perception of time within your own mind.”

That was mildly terrifying.

“Dad used to take us hiking here,” Alec commented bitterly. His current feelings didn’t change the fact that the view that Selaphiel pulled from his memory was breathtaking. Earth brown wings glinting with flecks of copper arched and spread out before shaking slightly. He could sense what she wanted to ask. He supposed it showed she’d made progress in reading a situation that she didn’t just ask out right.

Alec breathed in. “My entire life, I’ve known what was expected of me. Obey my parents, obey the Clave, uphold the Lightwood name.” He could almost hear his parents voices, echoing off the cold rock around him. “They always put it on me. That I wasn’t a natural fighter, like Izzy or Jace. So I was expected to work twice as hard. That I didn’t do enough to make connections with other influential families. So I would have to marry-” he choked on the word “who they decided to make up for it.” Not even his partner, the person he would spend the rest of his life with would be someone of his choosing. “It was always me who was failing and me who had to fix it somehow. And I was willing. Angel, I was willing until…” Until he ended up on cold concrete with his life blood spilling out of him. Until he realized that he was dying from the inside out for years, his will to keep going, to keep living decaying and no one, not even his parabatai, the person who he shared a soul with, noticed. 

Had he just become that good at hiding? 

He didn’t want to contemplate the alternative.

And now to learn that his parents betrayed the Clave. Brought more shame and dishonor to their family than Alec could ever, would ever manage to? 

One of Selphiel’s wings brushed his arm. 

“I used to think my falling was my fault. That I was doing something to cause it, but after being with you, looking back, I don’t think this was anything I did.” Alec looked sideways at her. “Angels were not created like humans. We were created with a purpose, to serve a role. We were not made to have free will, but if that were the case how did Samael fall? How did the others choose to follow him? Why do I fall when I have never questioned what I am, never desired to be anything else?” 

Betrayal. That is what she was feeling, just as he was. 

“I know I’ve been harsh to you, for what you did, but I’m glad you are with me now.” It felt good to be honest with someone.

“Because you are not alone?” The angel’s head tipped in an expression of curiosity that Alec was sure she would not have made a week ago.

“Yes.” 

The angel returned his small smile with one of her own. “Then, neither am I.” There was a sense of wonder in her voice and something like contentment settled between them. 

The nephilim squared his shoulders. “We’ve got work to do.”

* * *

Alec managed to squeeze in a shower after he briefed the NYI leadership team. Overall his first meeting as official acting Head went well. The revelation of Jace’s parentage didn’t take as many of them by surprise as he thought it would. 

“He looks like a Herondale,” Swiftfoot stated as if he was commenting on the color of the Institute's front lawn. 

The meeting continued with minutia of the transition of power and a short update from each department. Izzy and Jace stopped by. His sister was silent and angry, the hurt she was nursing at the revelation of their parents’ past was obvious, but like Alec, she knew how to bury it, they both could teach a master class in emotional repression. His siblings left after Alec told them both to keep their heads down for a bit and just do their jobs. Another time he would have prayed that they listened. Seemed unnecessary since the angel of prayer was inside him.

Alec was deep into paperwork approving Resource’s purchasing and allocation of funds when his door was once again knocked on.

“Come in,” he called. He sent Mendoza home an hour ago, despite her protests, so it was probably Jace or Izzy at his door. He didn’t glance up until he finished reading the line he was at. Aline stood before him, posture rigid in a way that he could only recall her being in front of her mother. “Hey, what can I do for you?” 

His friend shifted, eyes dropping before she seemed to find her resolve. “I wanted to give this to you in person. She held out one of the folders she was carrying, which Alec accepted. 

He opened it and was surprised to see a formal and permanent request to transfer. “You want to stay?”

“Yes, well it’s kind of contingent on this.” She held up the other folder she was carrying. “I met someone during my tour after the Academy, we wanted to try and get assigned here together.” The words escaped in a rush that had Alec raising an eyebrow at the uncharacteristic amount of nerves Aline was displaying. 

When she didn’t elaborate Alec felt compelled to fill the awkward silence. “That’s great Aline. I’ll consider whoever he is fairly. You have my word.” He held out his hand for the other folder that Aline now seemed reluctant to give him. “If you’re having second thoughts about New York… I mean Beijing is your home.” 

Aline met his eyes squarely. “When you meet the right person, the only place that feels like home is with them.” 

Perhaps if he wasn’t scrubbed raw by the day her words would have had him teasing her for her corniness. Instead he felt zero desire to do that, recognizing that his friend was in deep, and as they said nephilim love once and fiercely. He envied her. His hand reached out again, mind already made up to accept whoever was in it.

When he flipped it open he found himself staring at a woman’s name and photograph.

Alec looked up quickly to see Aline watching him, probably waiting to see what his reaction would be. He scanned the file. Helen Blackthorn, daughter of Andrew Blackthorn, head of the LA Institute and one of the few half seelie, half nephilim to ever be born. He couldn’t imagine how Jia Penhallow would react when she found out. He cleared his throat. “She feels the same about you?” 

Aline’s exhale was shakey with a small laugh at the end. “Yeah, she does.”

Alec stood and walked around his desk, he didn’t hug his friend, neither one of them were particularly tactile people, but he reached out and squeezed her shoulder. “I’m happy for you.” 

The female shadowhunter’s eyes shone with unshed tears. “Sorry, that I didn’t tell you sooner, I still have a hard time saying it out loud, but Helen says it’s important so,” she took a breath. “I’m gay.” 

Alec ached, wishing he had an ounce of her bravery. He opened his mouth to say, something, anything that let Aline know she wasn’t alone. All he could see was his parents disappointed faces or worse their faces twisted in disgust, words of rejection on their lips and didn’t that sting? Even after what he learned his first thought was how they would react.

“Alec?” His friend’s nervous face came back into view. 

“Yeah, sorry.” He winced seeing her confusion. “No, I mean, it is hard to say. I, I know.” 

Aline’s brow furrowed, “You know?” 

Alec licked his lips. He had come this far. “First hand.” He saw the moment it dawned on her. 

“Wow, I mean really?,” She shook her head. “Sorry this is just a really big surprise, you don’t...Angel, Helen would smack me for this but you just really don’t seem the type.” 

Alec snorted. “We can’t all live up to the stereotypes unlike some.” He gave her a pointed look. “I saw that you’re both putting in for a housing stipend. What’s that mundane term U-”

“Excuse you Lightwood, we’ve been seeing each other for a year long distance. And also that was my coming out moment you just hijacked.” Her face twisted in confusion. “How would you know that term anyway?”

“Izzy, reality television. I do paperwork, she paints her nails. We both pretend not to thoroughly enjoy the ridiculous mundane antics.” Alec grinned as Aline snorted, high off the feeling of being so open with one of his long time friends. “I’ll do what I can to make sure you both get those transfers as an apology for ruining your moment.” 

Aline’s smile was radiant. “Then I guess I can’t complain then.” They both basked in the silence and the glow of their exchange for a few more seconds before Aline shook her head. “Well, I’ve got to go to a pre-mission briefing, we’re following up on those reports of mundanes being drained of blood by demons tonight.” 

Alec nodded, he had been briefed by Swiftfoot about the odd string of murders during their earlier meeting, “I’ll be out of the Institute for the night but I’ll have a com on me. Request mission control to alert me if you need anything.” 

Aline’s brow raised. “Out of the Institute you say? On your first night as Head? You got yourself a hot date tonight Lightwood?” 

He sighed at his friend’s teasing tone. “Hardly. Per the Accords, Downworlders who hold recognized leadership roles must be notified within 72 hours of a change in leadership within an Institute’s territory.” 

“And you can’t send a fire message because?”

Alec pulled his tablet from under a stack of papers and held it out to her. “High Warlock Magnus Bane has made it perfectly clear from previous communication with this office that he greatly dislikes hearing from anyone with the last name Lightwood.” Izzy told him earlier that she conveniently left out her last name and secured the appointment to have Jace’s mind checked through Meliorn. “I’m hoping my coming in person and to his territory alone puts me in his good graces.” 

“Oh but he is pretty, wouldn’t blame you if it was a hot date.” Alec shot her a confused look. “I may be gay but I can appreciate beauty when I see it, and he knows how to dress. Where are you meeting him?” 

“He owns a nightclub, and it’s Friday. Hoping, I’ll get lucky.” Aline’s grin turned down right lascivious and Alec repressed his groan when he realized what he said. “Don’t you have a meeting to get to?” 

She hummed but her expression turned serious. “I don’t like the idea of you going into a Downworlder’s territory alone when you aren’t cleared for combat.” 

“It’s a pretty popular spot and I wouldn’t be shocked if I wasn’t the only shadowhunter there.” 

“Do Izzy or Jace know you’re doing this?” 

Alec narrowed his hazel eyes at her. “Not exactly.” He told them he would be meeting with Bane again at some point but not tonight. He had time to put the meeting off, but he didn’t want to. While he didn’t lie when he told Aline it was official business, updating Bane on his appointment was only half the reason he wanted to meet with the Warlock. 

Aline folded her arms across her chest and shot him a disapproving glare. “You keep that com on you and ready to be turned on the whole time. I thought your siblings were the only ones with stupid ideas.” 

“What can I say, it runs in the family. I’ll notify the new head of security too. Happy?” 

“Ecstatic.”

Alec rolled his eyes and shooed her out of the office. He would admit to himself that she was perhaps right. He would be taking a risk tonight, but after looking at Magnus Bane’s Clave file the pieces of the plan he had been brewing since they found those journals were coming together. 

‘I am with you. If you have need, you can borrow my strength,’ Selaphiel said, her voice soothing tones in his mind. 

Alec directed gratitude towards her. “Will you be okay tonight? Among Downworlders?” He could feel her confusion at his concern before she caught the direction of his thoughts.

‘There will be no spontaneous smiting,’ she answered with not a little bit of contempt in response to Alec’s thoughts which suggested such a thing might happen. ‘Nephilim were created to battle the forces of the realms of Hell, not the part human offspring, infected or the Fair Folk, as they all belong to the realm of Earth that the creator bade us to protect and have a soul. They are seen as equal to a mundane human in the eyes of Heaven. Every soul is capable of being benevolent as easily as it is capable of being malevolent. As someone who has felt and heard a great many souls, I can tell you that no species is more one than the other by nature.’ 

From the mouth of a literal angel. Alec wondered what his parents, who apparently fell for Valentine’s anti Downworlder rhetoric would say to that. Putting Valentine aside the nephilim race had been discriminating against and treating the Downworld with either suspicion or blatant hostility for centuries. Even he himself had held or really still held if he were being honest some of the more terribly prejudiced beliefs about Downworlders.

‘You have the ability to choose to believe differently.’ 

Alec nodded. “I may… need some time.” The topic was one that Izzy often fought him on. He remembered many a time she accused him of being their parent’s puppet and spewing their backwards and prejudiced thinking that she claimed had no basis in reality.  _ “Look at the numbers Alec, look at more than one description of any so called Downworlder caused conflict and don’t just look at one incident report. Nothing happens in a vacuum.” _ she would say when he told her she was being emotional because of her connection to a certain seelie.  _ “Numbers don’t lie, data doesn’t lie, read and use your brain to think for yourself for once!”  _

He sighed. He owed his sister an apology. He locked up his office and made his way back to his quarters. The greeting of “Director” jarring him each time he saw someone in the hall. When he got to his room he stared mournfully at his bed that he wished he could collapse into. Was it still the same day? 

‘Food?’ Selaphiel asked or reminded. 

Yes, that was why he was so light headed. He couldn’t remember when or if he had eaten. 

‘Food,’ he agreed silently.

* * *

Alec didn’t know if he was capable of being more uncomfortable. A pair of seelie women were staring at him as if he were a full course meal and they hadn’t eaten in weeks. The crappy techno music was almost impossible to block out and the pulsating lights were dizzying. He also felt naked in a club full of Downworlders without his usual armaments. All he had on him was a thin stiletto knife made of adamas tucked under his pant leg in his boot. It was the only thing he thought he could get away with and after the suspicion and the pat down he’d received when he entered the club he’d made the correct choice. 

The nephilim could barely hear what the seelie couple were saying to him but it was rather obviously an offer of a sexual nature. He was thankfully saved from coming up with a way of extricating himself without being too insulting by what looked like a bouncer of the werewolf persuasion, if the claw marks across his uncovered arms was any indication, coming up to the trio. “Your presence is requested upstairs shadowhunter.”

Thank the Angel. Alec underestimated how difficult it would be to find out if Bane was even in the club tonight much less where he might be. He hoped that whoever summoned him either could tell him if Bane was here or even better was the man himself. He left his drink, some bottom shelf monstrosity that he ordered just to look like he belonged at the bar and followed the werewolf up a roped off set of stairs to a balcony area. 

Well, he thought as he reached the landing and his eyes fell on the clear ruler of the kingdom, mission accomplished. 

Magnus Bane looked exactly and nothing like his photos in the Clave’s file. He was draped a top an armchair that seemed more like a throne with the toned golden skin of his chest and abdomen on display from the deep v-neck of his nearly sheer shirt, hair that defied gravity while at the same time looked inviting to run one’s hand through and smoked out eyes with lids that shimmered under the multi colored lights of the club. 

He was every fantasy that Alec didn’t have the imagination to actually dream up. 

The shadowhunter barely registered the pixie on the warlock’s lap. He couldn’t hear the noise of the club as Bane’s head turned towards him, whatever amusement curved his darkly colored lips vanished as his lined eyes widened. Alec’s pulse, which had ticked up as he climbed the stairs, getting further and further away from an exit and safety, hammered loud enough for any were or vampire in the club to hear it. 

“Now, who are you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this is the first chapter I am actively unhappy with. I may be editing it in the future. Leave me a comment, let me know what you think!


End file.
